by Katherine Hawley Ph.D.
Most of us like to help others when we can, and for many of us—perhaps especially women—being a capable, helpful, reliable person is a big part of our self-image. We like saying ‘yes’, and we like being the kind of person who can say ‘yes’.
But saying ‘yes’ too often, taking on too many commitments, can store up problems for the future. We all need a little time to ourselves, a bit of mental space to focus on what’s important for us, not just what’s useful to the people around us, whether that’s at work, at home, or amongst friends. It’s not selfish to say ‘no’ from time to time.
In fact sometimes saying ‘yes’ is the selfish option, even when we mean well. When we’re reluctant to disappoint by saying ‘no’, we can create bigger disappointments when our tower of commitments comes crashing down. A broken promise is worse than a gentle ‘no’ up-front.
So how can we say ‘no’ even when we want to help? Is it just a question of strong-mindedness, deciding to put ourselves first? Not exactly. Studies show (link is external) that women are simply expected to be helpful volunteers at work—we don’t always get credit when we say ‘yes’, but we can get penalized when we say ‘no’.
It can feel as if we’re caught between the devil and the deep blue sea: saying ‘no’ isn’t acceptable, but saying ‘yes’ then failing isn’t acceptable either. And struggling to say ‘yes’ to everything without letting people down isn’t a viable long-term strategy.
Here are three tips that may help:
1. Remind yourself that you have to draw a line somewhere—if you always say ‘yes’ you’re creating problems not just for you, but also for the people around you. So the only question is where to draw the line, when to say ‘no’: if not now, then when?
2. Think about someone who has your best interests at heart, whether that’s a friend, a mentor, a minister or teacher, from your past or from your present. Imagine the advice that person would give you: would they give you permission to say ‘no’?
3. Explain that it’s not that you don’t want to help—you’d love to help!—it’s that you can’t take on something new without letting someone else down. It can be easier to stand your ground when you are defending others’ interests, rather than just looking out for number one.
You can also imagine saying ‘yes’ in the future—this is a way of reminding yourself that you’re not saying ‘no’ because you’re a fundamentally unhelpful person. But be wary of offering a commitment tomorrow as a way of getting out of a commitment today, unless you’re sure that will work out: otherwise, you risk a snowball effect of ever-greater burdens.
Trustworthy people know their limits: part of being a capable, helpful, reliable person is being the kind of person who can say ‘no’ when it’s needed.
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu
Publisher — Black Source Media
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu