August 29, 2020 marks the 15th Anniversary of the natural disaster turned man-made disaster called Hurricane Katrina. When the Coronavirus hit New Orleans, it invoked memories of Katrina. The 100 year storm allegedly claimed the lives of more than 1500 people in Louisiana. The true death count may never be known. And it changed New Orleans in ways that were unforeseen. Hurricane Katrina created a new New Orleans.
Hurricane Katrina pushed people out of their homes, many to destinations unknown. Katrina filled the city with up to 20 feet of water in some areas. The storm also killed the city’s economy and forced thousands to resettle and restart their lives. Many lost loved ones, careers, homes, cars, and every possession they owned. Some native New Orleanians returned home. Others remained where they evacuated, built new lives, and carried on. Hurricane Katrina created a new New Orleans.
Katrina flooding created a new New Orleans
Eighty percent of the city was flooded when 27 levees were breached. The majority of the flooding took place east of Canal Street in the downtown area of New Orleans and eastern New Orleans. The lower ninth ward took on the most water, because a barge broke through the levee wall.
New Orleans lost nearly 51 percent of its 454,845, pre-Katrina 2005 population. In 2020, the city has 390,128 residents or 85.77 percent of its pre-Katrina population total.
People leaving!
The New New Orleans
However, a cursory look around shows that the demographics and the culture have changed.
Speaking to National Geographic Magazine in 2015, Allison Plyer says, “The storm greatly changed the physical and demographic makeup of New Orleans. Monitoring these changes is important since the needs of the city and its people are much different today. After any disaster, applicable data is wiped away—all information becomes uncertain” Plyer works for The Data Center which is a data collection and analysis group that serves Southeast Louisiana..
“The demographic makeup of New Orleans and its metro area is much different today than it was pre-Katrina. The city has lost white and black residents, but whites now represent a larger share of the population than they did before the storm. And while African Americans are still the majority in New Orleans, their raw population drop is staggering: Nearly 100,000 fewer African Americans live in the city today than in 2000. Around 11,500 fewer white residents live there.”
GENTRIFICATION
Signs of gentrification are everywhere as black renters have been pushed to areas like New Orleans east where they occupy high rise apartment complexes, or to moderate income neighborhoods in the eight and ninth wards. Some black homeowners sold their homes, others lacked the funding needed to restore or repair their homes. They remain in the Katrina Diaspora, their homes boarded up. Others lost their homes to property tax sales. White professionals and some squatters have moved into New Orleans. A stroll along St. Claude Avenue, once a street with many boarded up businesses, is now bustling with small shops. Few are owned by Black people.
A little more than a year ago, in April 2019, Nicolette Santos, an Environmental and Energy Study Institute (EESI) Intern came to New Orleans to help the New Orleans Area Habitat for Humanity in its ongoing mission to build homes for Katrina Survivors.
“Driving around the Lower Ninth Ward, a community just east of the French Quarter, I was taken aback by the empty plots that still break up the community. Houses that used to stand right next to one another are now spaced haphazardly away from each other, separated by empty land that is overgrown with weeds and brush. Trash piles on the corners of the streets. Signs warning against loitering further accentuate the impression that things haven’t improved. Businesses are staying away as well. A single grocery store, Burnell’s Lower Ninth Ward Market, holds the sole responsibility of providing a small range of packaged foods and fresh produce to the 1,200 people who live in the community,” Santos wrote.
New Normal Nothing New for NOLA
The intern’s observation is magnified and duplicated in the city’s seventh and eight wards. Overgrown lots, streets with a house here, one there, and gaping holes in-between like teeth missing for a mouth. Hurricane Katrina created the new New Orleans.
Blighted neighborhoods persist in the new New Orleans
Since Katrina, the city’s public school system has been turned into an all-charter school, semi-privatized school system. While no one wants to say it out loud, the all-charter school district is an abysmal failure, an experiment gone wrong.
However, like Hurricane Katrina, coronavirus infections are disproportionately impacting the black community. “According to the Coroner’s data, as of June 5th black residents accounted for 77 percent of the 492 COVID-19 deaths in Orleans Parish, with white residents accounting for less than 20 percent” the Data Center reported. The population of Orleans Parish is 60 percent black and 35 percent white.
The COVID-19 deaths of blacks in New Orleans mirrors the nationwide trend. “Black Americans continue to experience the highest overall actual COVID-19 mortality rates— more than twice as high as the rate for Whites and Asians, who have the lowest actual rates,” according to the APM Research Lab.
New Orleans’ black community weathered slavery, Jim Crow segregation, redlining, racism, and discrimination from every direction. And black people here will ride out this current man-made disaster.
Despite the metamorphoses Hurricane Katrina wrought in New Orleans, in a city that is older than the United States, and the challenges to the lives of black New Orleanians brought by the 100-year COVID-19 pandemic, the black community remains resilient. Black-owned institutions have weathered the storm, the Black press and media, our fabled restaurants, and the city’s culture keepers still persist. But make no mistake.
Sometimes we just don’t understand the president or what he’s doing. Like one time I saw him eating fried chicken with a knife and fork. I was like, wow is he going to cut through the bone? Maybe that’s something presidents do. Or maybe the chicken was a prop and he had never had it fried in his life. I wonder how he eats turkey necks or ribs.
Strange That President Wants to Suppress Census?
Speaking of props, one time the president had a crowd of people tear gassed so he could walk across the street and take a picture in front of a church with a Bible that wasn’t even his. We know the Bible wasn’t his because when a reporter asked him, “Hey is that Bible yours?” the president said, “It’s a Bible.” A Bible. Interesting phrase. Like I said, the president is a strange man.
President Donald Trump uses odd distractions to suppress the 2020 Census
What we do know, though, is that the president is trying to pull off some type of witch doctorery to suppress the 2020 Census. The Census is what we use to count people. The Census counts how many people are here or there, and who lives where. Some people don’t trust the Census. They think it’s a form of government espionage (an old wives’ tale, or as the president’s witch doctor would say, some demon sh*t).
In real life, the Census is what the federal government uses to determine how much money it gives to the states, how many House seats are appropriated. States use census data for more shady stuff like which districts are gerrymandered. Presently, the president appears to not be in favor of the Census. He has dispatched a bureau of his minions with not-so-explicit-instructions to make sure some people go uncounted. So the Census takers have been told to cease counting a month prematurely, per the president. Why is the president suppressing the 2020 Census?
Why is President Trump Suppressing the 2020 Census?
The president is a part of what we call a dwindling demographic, also known as a white person. Lately, white people have not been propagating as much as non-white people. I guess privilege only goes so far. Considering this and with money, House seats, and redistricting on the line, it’s in the best interest of the least growing demographic to make sure the more proliferating group is undercounted. Especially since that demographic has tended to be from a different political party.
Side note: Political parties are just gangs without the murders and drugs. Like gangs they have turf to defend (House seats and districts) and a source of money (donations from affiliated folks) they’re depended upon. As their influence goes, so does their turf and money. Side note ended.
Another complication is whether to even count undocumented people. Should states benefit from their presence? Maybe the president will tweet about a 3/5 compromise.
Most importantly, if you haven’t done so already, fill out your Census and put in the mail. Or if a Census taker comes to your door, don’t run and hide under the bed spread. Open the door and give the person the information they seek. Your congressional representation, streetlights, and sewerage may depend on it. Remember the President is suppressing the 2020 Census.
Captain’s Log, Stardate later on in 2020: The president has skin so thin that if you pinched him, he’d bleed. He appears to be unnerved by the slightest slight. All day he tweets seeking adoration, and goes into emotional convulsions when he’s denied. Pray for him. His demographic is going through menopause. He’s but a fraction of a whole. Maybe his witch doctor can whip up a potion for him. I hear Hydroxychloroquine is trending.
A Collection of Political Cartoons by John Slade
See the video below
By Love Dr. Rob
Karma – When it comes back around!
As a Relationship Advisor, I am often asked what’s wrong with women these days. Men seem to be surprised by the way their counterparts are acting. That’s not the way a woman is supposed to act. Then they hit me with the line. She acts like she’s a man.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this. I’m not sure what part gets me the most. Is it that he is surprised by her behavior, or that he thinks it would be alright if she was a man. I am well aware of the double standard, but I also know that what goes around comes around.
As men, we have grown so accustomed to dishing it that we can’t take it. We forget that the whole time we were mistreating women, we were teaching them how to treat us. Now the student has become the teacher, and she shouldn’t do us like that? What’s good for the goose isn’t always good to the gander.
If you want women to be woman, we as men have to be men. I don’t mean the iron chest nothing hurts me, men. But the open, honest, human being, I have feelings man. If more men can display that side there is a greater chance of winning our women and families back. If we can’t do that, we should not be surprised when we lose our women and children. Remember they are only showing us what we have taught them.
As men, the most responsible thing we can do is take ownership of the pain we have caused. In many cases, it was done because we were incapable of dealing with our own trauma. Nevertheless, right now we are at a point where the pain is being redistributed, and the man, the woman, and the children are being impacted.
The only way to fix it is we have to acknowledge whatever emotional damage we endured. Figure out who, what, and when hurt you. Then you have to deal with those issues directly. Make sure you take all the necessary steps to heal properly. And most importantly do not enter into another relationship until you have healed.
by Orissa Arend
There is much discussion these days amid aspiring white allies to the cause of racial justice – and I count myself as one – about how to be the most useful.Michael Cowan, professor emeritus at Loyola University, wrote an op-ed piece on July 30 for the Times-Picayune New Orleans Advocate entitled “Successful coalitions must dispense with purity tests.” It caught my eye because Cowan and I have worked on many projects together. But this piece laid bare a fundamental disagreement.
In order to change policies and laws, he claims that anti-racist activists sometimes refuse to work with “a large majority of decent people [I think he means decent White people who] don’t identify themselves as ‘anti-racist’ and never will.” This strikes me as a false dichotomy.
Anti-racism isn’t a purity test, as Cowan claims. I see it as an accurate description of anyone who “accepts the full humanity of every child of God” (in Cowan’s words) and works to challenge and abolish institutional and structural racism. Power and privilege can be an asset in this endeavor, not something to feel coy or guilty about.
The Undoing Racism Workshop of the People’s Institute for Survival and Beyond has helped me understand this large definition of anti-racism. It doesn’t mean just opposing someone who has racial prejudice. Growing up in this society, we all have some of that. Pronounced examples could be found in your mother or father or your best friend. If anti-racism were a purity test, we all would fail.
Accepting a common broad definition of anti-racism is crucial right now. As one of my mediation mentors said, a problem that is mutually defined can be mutually solved.
There was a time, not too long ago in warped COVID-time, when some White people had a hard time saying, “Black lives matter.” I foresee a time, hopefully at COVID warp speed, when the important coalitions for social justice that Cowan writes about can whole heartedly declare themselves to be anti-racist.
2 games down/6 to go/how do you sum up the Pelicans play so far/hmm…slow? I think that would be an understatement. Stocked with talent, Pelicans subpar play has been inexplicable.
At the rate they’re going, they might want to limit Alvin Gentry’s minutes too. He has not gotten the team ready play during the reboot.
Friday, the first game up, The Pelicans did an excellent job of turning the ball over, a skill they’ve been perfecting all season. Saturday, their prowess was on full display – jump passes into the stands, dribbles off the foot, strips on the way to the rim. At one point, in an obvious snub to floor spacing, two players inexplicably stood in the same three point corner. Inexplicably (this word will come up a lot) another Pelican passed one of them the ball. That player immediately got the ball and stepped out of bounds. As a team, they finished with 18 turnovers. They had 20 against the Jazz. That’s almost the equivalent of Drew Brees throwing 3 interceptions a game.
Who is the team’s leader?
Meanwhile philanthropist and NBA All Defensive team star,Jrue Holiday missed critical shots. Touted as the franchise player, the one “we’re building the team around” Holiday has deferred to other teammates to take big shots. He has had his moments though. Thursday against the Jazz, he was All-Star worthy (20 points, 5 rebounds, 4 assists, and 3 steals), but he followed that up with 4 points Saturday, only taking 7 shots — 4 points, 7 shots in a game where the team needed their leader to step up. That’s just…inexplicable (told you).
Tandem had been playing well, But Ball’s bubble play has been inexplicably bad
Speaking of leaders and stepping up, J.J. Redick came out of quarantine ready to ball, dropping 21 points in 26 minutes against the Jazz. You’d think he would’ve be an essential part of the game plan going forward. Nope. He barely played Saturday, in a game where the team needed… Yep, you know it, repeat after me: just an inexplicable coaching move. Gentry ended up giving the bulk of the playing time to Frank Jackson instead. Jackson went 5-15 from the field. He took more shots than Zion and Jrue Holiday combined, even though Holiday played more minutes than him. It’s just…I’m not going to even say the word.
Bad play and decisions
Who else? Lonzo Ball has been awful. In 2 games he’s shot 21% from the field (4-19) with almost just as many turnovers as assists. That’s the starting point guard, director of the team. His directionlessness has mirrored Gentry’s. What’s the game plan? Who knows. Redick barely plays Saturday. Zion is put on a 15 minute restriction with 3 minute intervals on Friday. Yet somehow that doesn’t translate into him playing the last 3 minutes of the game. During those last 3 minutes of a tight game, the Jazz attacked the rim to maintain a 2 point lead, and got a key rebound with less than 20 seconds left while Zion, the starting power forward, potential once in a generation player, watched from the bench.
Despite all this inexplicableness, the Pelicans can still make the playoffs. They have the easiest schedule by far of any of the teams contending for the final playoff spot. Unlike those other teams, the Pelicans don’t play another team with a winning record over these last 6 games, with 2 of them against the Grizzlies, the present holder of that final playoff spot. To make the playoffs though, they’ll have to cut down on the turnovers, play some semblance of defense, and space the floor much better. That all should start later this evening. 5:30, the Grizzlies are on deck.
You heard me scream in my last article, because I was terrified. Federal agents were sent to the city of Portland by the DHS and immediately set about kidnapping people off the street and illegally detaining them and using every opportunity to escalate the stand off between protesters and police at the court house building downtown.
Yes, that’s right, at the courthouse building. No, protesters were not roaming the streets of Portland and setting orphanages on fire as the propaganda would imply. Instead, thousands of people, supporting the Black Lives Matter Movement, gathered every night for the last two months at Pioneer Courthouse Square. I’ve seen them hurl curses and firecrackers and do little else besides chant and sing.
Yet the police and feds for their part, have attacked and incited the crowds.
These federal agents, except for wearing badges from their division, like “Border Patrol” arrive in unmarked vehicles and refuse to identify themselves. They were sent in the wake of a bill by the president which specifically assigned them as the force to protect important American monuments “such as the Lincoln memorial”.
But we know the real reason is Trump’s divisive campaign strategy of white nationalism. The toppling of confederate monuments across the United States infuriates his base. Trump calculates his law and order strategy translates into votes for him. Sending troops to agitate peaceful protesters does nothing to protect federal property but allows him to claim he is protecting his people.
Trump’s Campaign Strategy
Truth is the federal courthouse building here in Portland hasn’t been torn down. It could not be without a fleet of bulldozers, but it has been vandalized-with graffiti. Vandalism that can be fixed with water and soap. Instead, Trump deployed waves of unmarked goons who tear gas and pepper spray protesters, shoot them with rubber bullets and beat the piss out of them or illegally detain them in shifts.
Those released thus far (because these feds have no case and legally can’t hold people for long) have said that their release was conditional over “Agreeing not to come back to protest”. Even the Portland’s mayor, Ted Wheeler, joined the crowd to see what was going on. He was tear gassed for his trouble.
Federal Bullies
Essentially, these federal agents are here to bully peaceful protesters in the most aggressive, high profile way possible in order to disperse the crowd that’s been showing up every night. This is a reelection campaign strategy not an attempt to protect property.
And it isn’t working. These attacks against American citizens, which in any war zone would be considered war crimes, have not stopped the protests. They have only made them bigger and angrier. You’ve heard of the wall of moms and the wall of vets. But did you know that the city of Portland is suing the DHS because they refused to take their agents out of the city? Or did you know that the city of Portland just won a court case against the DHS? Now agents can not arrest or attack members of the press and journalists?
This is the first in a wave of activity by the DHS. A fascistic spree of violence carried out by poorly trained, unmarked agents. Federal agents sent to escalate in major cities with high protester activity. This is a show of force, and we can all see that. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t going to work.
The protests will keep going because you can count on Americans belief in free speech. And when this amount of people come together and form the largest mass protest in the history of humanity, it doesn’t matter what you throw at us. We’ll keep coming back for more.
Considering Trump’s strategy of white nationalism, this fight is just beginning.
The city of Portland is clear: it will not stand idly by and be invaded. The protesters don’t fight; they stand strong, and they keep coming back every single night, because they know that if a fascist regime is trying this hard to beat them down, then that must mean they’re on the right side of history.
Are you?
CANTRELL RAMPS UP RESTRICTIONS & TESTING
By C.C. Campbell-Rock
An uptick in coronavirus spread across Louisiana in late June caused Governor John Bel Edwards to cancel the move to Phase 3 of reopening the state. When Edwards made the announcement around June 22, Louisiana had about 50,000 coronavirus cases, 3,000 deaths, and the hospitalization rate was increasing.
Mayor LaToya Cantrell moved New Orleans into the Phase Two reopening guidelines more than a month ago. Following CDC recommendations, the city’s “Safer at Home,” phase called for residents to continue to stay home except for essential needs and other permitted activities; masks were mandatory for everyone, frequent handwashing and disinfecting surfaces, and social distancing guidelines had to be followed. The city was offering testing to anyone who asked and approximately 150 tests were conducted daily.
However, most recently, Louisiana found itself in the Yellow Zone of the Federal Coronavirus Task Force, which deemed the state #1 in the country for the most COVID-19 cases per capita.
A look at the numbers show that the state, which had been flattening the curve is now seeing a spike in coronavirus cases. . Over a one-month period, the number of cases statewide has more than doubled to 116,280, with 3, 835 deaths, 1,524 hospitalized, and 205 people on ventilators.
Local Parishes Lead in Cases and Deaths
Orleans Parish had the most deaths in the state, 560, with the majority, 417, being black residents and 10,204 cases, Jefferson Parish had the most cases statewide at 13,872, but slightly trailed New Orleans with 510 deaths.
People not adhering to the guidelines and inadequate testing are responsible for the spike in cases. Since testing began in Orleans Parish, the city has tested about 31% of the parish’s 391,006 residents. The city has also struggled to get an adequate amount of testing supplies and PPE (personal protective equipment).
Known for being a tough and no-nonsense leader, Cantrell put her foot down when she recently announced new restrictions to curb the community spread of COVID-19.
“There has been an almost doubling of the daily average cases to approximately twice the threshold of 50 cases a day. There’s been an increase in the positivity rate from 2-3 percent to over 6 percent. There also has been a more than doubling of the COVID-19 positive hospitalization rates with overall saturation of the local healthcare system, as well as increased overflow burden from the rest of the state and Mississippi. This is a clear indication that the city has returned to widespread community transmission,” a release from the Mayor noted.
Mayor Cantrell Taking All Precautions
Cantrell’s new restrictions ban the sale of alcohol by bars and restaurants. “We understand the impact this is having on our bar community. Moving into Phase Two, we were very much focused on our economy and those industries that make up that community. Unfortunately, we have seen the negative impact that has had on the City of New Orleans,” said Mayor Cantrell. “What happens next depends on what we do right now.”
Speaking to the concerns around reopening schools, Dr. Jennifer Avegno, Director, New Orleans Health Department, said, “Our primary goal at this point in the pandemic is to suppress the virus so that we can safely send kids back to school. And looking at the trends in new cases — many of which continue to be linked to social gatherings and bars — we do not believe we will get there under the current restrictions,” she said.
Council Member Kristin Palmer: Citizens First
District C Councilmember Kristin Gisleson Palmer, who represents the French Quarter, added, “Mayor Cantrell has taken courageous steps today to protect the citizens of New Orleans. Her bold actions will save lives, and I, too, am asking bars and businesses to adhere to the regulations to reduce the number of COVID-19 cases in our city. I support Mayor Cantrell’s decision to prohibit the takeout of alcoholic beverages, especially after seeing recent photos from Bourbon Street showing crowds of people in close proximity…We have to put the health of our citizens first.”
Other Phase 2 guidelines remain the same. Indoor gatherings are limited to 25 individuals; outdoor gatherings are limited to 50 individuals; and all gathering participants must wear masks and practice social distancing.
Dr. Avegno also announced that the federal government is sending surge testing resources to New Orleans. These resources will allow the City to significantly increase the number of daily tests.
Testing is open to everyone, there is no ID or health insurance required and no appointment is needed. Check for Walk-up and Mobile testing sites and dates near you: https://ready.nola.gov/home/
New Orleans Resources
The New Orleans Health Department has partnered with LCMC Health, Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center, CORE Response, and Ochsner Health, to offer free, walk-up COVID-19 testing in hard-hit New Orleans neighborhoods. Results are expected to be online or delivered within two to three days by calling 3-1-1. Testing is also available at many healthcare facilities, hospitals, and clinics in New Orleans. Some facilities have their own criteria for who is eligible for a test, so we suggest you call first.
Healthcare facilities offering testing in New Orleans include:
If you have questions about COVID-19 and don’t have a PCP. Call a 24 hour Nurse’s Hotline at: (504) 962-6202 for LCMC. (800) 231-5257 for Ochsner.
Pre-registration is available but is not required. Individuals who pre-register at https://doineedacovid19test.com/ will be directed to an express lane; those who do not pre-register will be directed to the regular lane where they can relay contact and health information to staff. Pre-registration systems will ask individuals to complete an “assessment” with health information.
Business Friendly
Understanding the impact of the regulations on the city’s businesses, Cantrell has launched new programs to keep them up and running within the guidelines.
Her administration is offering individual grants up to $6,000 to local restaurants and other businesses to add to or expand outside dining. The program will begin with piloting curbside dining and parklets in five to seven commercial corridors over the coming month, and then the program will expand citywide.
The City is also launching a virtual BuildNOLA Small Business Training Program in partnership with Delgado Community College and other local and regional partners. Registration is open and will continue through Aug. 24, 2020. Entrepreneurs and small business owners can register at https://buildnola2020.com/
State and local officials have not yet announced a date for Phase 3, which rolls back most restrictions. However, until then both the state and the city have mandated that masks must be worn in public.
“We have created a Task Force to ensure compliance. It’s necessary for our safety. Many are not following guidelines. We don’t want to go backwards. The Task Force will be going the extra mile aid in enforcement.” Mayor Cantrell said at a press conference. Masks will be handed out to those without them
Cantrell is also asking for the community’s help. “Anyone who sees a large unmasked gathering is asked to call 311. The City has and will shut down businesses who continue to be out of compliance. There will be accountability. There must be for the safety of the community.”
To get the latest information on local Coronavirus stats, visit:
When is he going to get it? All that you have put up with to prove to him you’re that one, for this dummy to still be looking for it. They said love is blind but damn. You’re trying to give him love and he is as blind as Ray Charles in a dark room with shades on.
Who is the problem? Is it you or is it him? At this point, you probably don’t even know. The truth is it is both of y’all, but mostly you. Even though that’s not what you want to hear, I got to give you the real. He is not doing anything you don’t let him do. Ask yourself why would he change or appreciate you now, when he didn’t do it before and you still gave him your all?
I remember an old man telling me one day, you should love who loves you. I was to young to understand it then, but now it makes so much sense. Right now you are doing all you can to get somebody to see that you love them. The whole time you are feeling unloved. The reality is for many men they don’t realize how much love you were giving until they see someone else receiving it. Now some people get it a little sooner, but even then you have created a level of expectation that will demand more even when they are giving you less.
What I would suggest is you start loving you more. If he can’t give you the same love you’re giving yourself find someone who can. Him not realizing your effort has less to do with you and more to do with him. He has either some issues he hasn’t dealt with or still has some growing to do. Either way, it’s not something you can fix.
The crazy part is you keep hoping and praying for him to see the light. Eventually, you will love him so much that he is going to change. What you don’t realize is that’s exactly why he hasn’t changed yet. And if he does finally get there, by then you will probably be so empty from all you have given you won’t even be able to enjoy it.
My advice to you is to move on to find someone who has outgrown the games and overcame their pain. Look for someone who has learned how to love themselves and how to be loved at the same time. Then you have to go through your own healing process. You must learn to love yourself because loving the wrong people will rob you of that ability. Make sure you continue to grow into the woman you know you can be and the woman the man you want deserves.
If you can’t take your partner’s perspective, then love has limited shelf life.
by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D.
THE BASICS
In many cultures, especially Western ones, people tend to put a lot of emphasis on love—and the sparks that first come with it. This means we meet someone appealing, which is typically initially driven by physical attraction and “chemistry.” Then we fall in love, which leads to a longer-term relationship or marriage.
But sadly, relationships often lose steam, sputter, and suddenly, or eventually, fall apart. Is love, or lack of it, really to blame when this happens? One would think so! After all, when the relationship towel gets thrown in, we often hear freshly broken up partners say things like:
“I just fell out of love with him.”
“We just drifted apart.”
“I love her but I am not in love with her.”
“I really thought I loved them, but that didn’t turn out to be the case.”
In my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns That Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship, I make the case that understanding is more important than love, especially when it comes to intimate relationships and parenting. We need to teach this to our children so that when they get older, they understand how crucial a sense of understanding others is to forming authentic, healthy relationships. I have passionately emphasized the importance of understanding others in my writings and books on parenting and those directly speaking to children.
In over 30 years as a psychologist, I have never had an adult look back at their childhood and complain that their parents were too understanding. And similarly, I have met many divorced people who still love each other but never really understood each other. My point is that many relationships have broken up and marriages have been torn apart not because the partners didn’t love each other but because they didn’t understand one another.
This kind of deep understanding is referred to as empathy. This means being more aware, sensitive, and intuitive with the people we love. But understanding isn’t knowledge alone. Knowledge doesn’t always lead to understanding and without understanding, you won’t be able to love someone indefinitely.
Understanding is putting yourself in your partner’s shoes — and truly being able to relate — it’s being able to appreciate the reasoning behind someone’s actions. This level of understanding, empathy, is truly the emotional glue that holds all close relationships together. It allows us to slow down and try to walk in the shoes of those we love. The deeper our empathy, the deeper and healthier our love.
When you’re able listen, and I mean really listen, then you can more likely identify the emotions your partner is experiencing and expressing. This helps to understand why he or she is feeling a certain way, which helps you respond to their needs more effectively. When conflicts inevitably arise, and strong feelings get stirred up, knowing how your partner feels is important, and identifying how you each think and feel is crucial.
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
Steven Covey, in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote that “most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” All of us want to be seen, heard, and understood. If you love and don’t understand, you will have a lot of conflicts — more than normal. And once conflicts take over, you grow apart. The more people fight and quarrel in a relationship, the less love and attraction they feel for each other.article continues after advertisement
The painful reality is that love is just not enough. I work every day to better understand the people I love. The willingness to understand is very important. It is not always easy, but healthy love is strengthened by the willingness to understand. Love without understanding will wilt like flowers without water.
Knowing and Understanding Someone Takes Time
You don’t need to understand people to love them, but you need to understand them to build a lasting relationship. If you give yourself the opportunity to understand your loved ones, you will grow to love them even more. And, especially with our intimate partners, egos are what seem to get in the way of understanding. Often it is our need to be right that makes what others think and feel so wrong for us. I have certainly been quite guilty of this in some of my past relationships.
In Closing
To say that relationships are difficult is an understatement. Relationships can be complicated and messy. Understanding the emotions of others is not always simple, but is not impossible. Emotions are central to relationships and when you and your partner share in understanding these emotions they slow down and don’t rock you or tip over your relationship.
Not all relationships are meant to go the distance, but all relationships can flourish in a healthy way with understanding being the key ingredient, even more than love. For a healthy relationship to thrive, love is great but you also need understanding, which then only deepens love with trust, commitment, and respect.
