From Our Friends at La Belle Negresse

Black woman in bed

I recently wrote about women so accustomed to less than, that they accept any old behavior and cannot differentiate between a man who goes above and beyond, with that of a basic dude. Those same women know little about relationships and dating. Some,  although married, have never had a healthy dating life and have never experienced courtship. They go from meeting a man at a club, through friends, school … to being boyfriend and girlfriend, without ever going on a proper date(s). Boy meets girl ( hopefully boy made initial contact), they talk for a few days, “hang out” for a bit and BAAM they are now “sex mates.”

Sex mates are “couples” who have little to no interactions outside of the bedroom. The man never initiates or plan activities outside of the home, and the woman, not knowing any better and lack self-worth, accept this as normal behavior. The guy will come over to “hang” or ask the woman to stop by (sometimes asking her to bring something to eat) and spend the day indoors doing what he does best… or so he thinks.

Sex Mates or Couple?

This behavior is seldom seen or accepted by women of other races. Black women will make excuses for why this behavior is no big deal  and should be accepted. Some will use the economy, citing times are hard and “we” must understand the difficulties faced by men, who may not have the means to afford them a proper date. If a man is so stress for money that he can’t afford a proper date, he clearly needs to take a break from dating until his finances are in order. Black women must understand, “Hanging out” is not a date and should only be done with girlfriends.

A proper date is planned, done OUTSIDE of the home and payed for by the man. Under no circumstances should a woman accept an invitation to “hang out” with a man she just met. If the bulk of you time together is spent indoors “hanging out” or “messing around”, you do not have a relationship, you are sex mates.

What is a proper date?

A proper date does not have to end with sex. No woman should feel obligated to sleep with a man over a meal. While premarital sex may work for women of other races, judging by the high rate of out of wedlock pregnancies and women in their 40s with babies, but have never been proposed to, nonetheless married, premarital sex does not work for black women.

The bottom line is simple: know your worth, the importance of your time and boundaries in dating. Learning to put boundaries in place and enforcing them can help you weed out undesirables. Even the most ill-informed woman has a long list of requirements, and “must haves” in a relationship. But, having well defined boundaries is NOT the same as having a checklist of relationship requirements. Boundaries have more to do with the kind of behavior and treatment you expect in a relationship or courtship.

Set Boundaries

When considering what they should be, start with what your values are. Think about how you want to be treated in a relationship. What your expectations are, and make them known. Never assume he should know better or will change eventually, and you’ll manage until then. Unless he knows of your requirements he has no reason to change. Look at your past relationships and think about what made you unhappy. If you see yourself accepting the same behaviors and habits, you already know how it will end.

You don’t have to state your boundaries loudly on the roof top. Your actions should do the screaming for you. If he has a habit of texting you, but never initiate a call, stop responding to his text. If his idea of spending quality time, is “hanging out” at his place, don’t go…. Know your boundaries and expectations and stick to them.  Don’t waste time hoping for change and trying to change grown men. The first few dates are set up to impress you and convince you he is worth your time. If he doesn’t see the importance of wooing you and keeping your attention in the early stages, move on.  Time wasted is never retrieved.

“You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted.” ~Ruth E. Renkl

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