Yes It’s come to this. Mayor LaToya Cantrell needs a new security officer.
Wanted: a strapping, able male, preferably of African American origin, to protect, serve, and assist the mayor of New Orleans with all of her wants and needs.
Applicants are forewarned. This is a highly sensitive position that may demand plenty of your free and working time. Many duties are required. Some of these may seem inappropriate or even untoward or downright weird.
Duties To Be Performed:
- opening and closing doors for the mayor. This may or may not include the doors to the boudoir and shower.
- watering the plants in an apartment you and the mayor might not be authorized to reside in.
- making groceries (this is a New Orleans thing) for yourself and the mayor. These groceries are to be stocked in a refrigerator and pantry you and the mayor might not be authorized to use in that regard. (Note: Returning with a fresh Hubig’s Pie, preferably apple, will go along way to elevating your status with the mayor.)
- neglecting your friends, family, wife, and side-pieces to be in service of the mayor.
This may appear inappropriate. But contrary to common sense and lying eyes, there will be no fuddy-duddy going on. You will though, on occasion, be asked to spend time in the aforementioned apartment with the mayor. Alone. Just the two of you. Sometimes for hours. They’ll be no cameras. They’ll be no microphones, or any type of contact with the outside world. Your cell phone will be checked at the door.
During this time, the mayor will perform no tasks associated with her official capacity as mayor.
During this time you will also not perform any tasks associated with your official position of security/bodyguard.
It will be just you and the mayor. In an apartment. Alone. For hours.
Off the record, this will be called mayor time, of which you’ll be paid time and a half.
On the record, this will be called overtime, of which you’ll also concurrently be paid time and a half.
You will be given a workout outfit, that may or may not match the mayor’s. Upon dawning the said outfit, you will be required to accompany the mayor to the gym for workouts. People may gawk. People may point. And people may stare. And some may possibly comment on how cute you two are. Under no circumstances are you to entertain, engage, blush, smirk, or smile. Any inward or outward signs of emotion are to be reserved for the mayor and the mayor alone.
As was mentioned earlier, this is a highly sensitive position. But it comes with many perks, of which no other city job comes close to matching.
Related: This Week in as the Teedy Turns
- The opportunity to accompany the mayor on lavish cross country trips fully comped and flown first class. (Note: If you perform up to snuff, this may also include a trip to see an actual rocket launch into outer space.)
- An appointment to a prominent city board of which you’ll most likely be unqualified for.
- A key to the lavish apartment you and the mayor might not be authorized to reside in.
- Plenty of overtime pay. Some of which won’t require you to do any work in your official capacity.
As you know, the mayor has created many unnecessary enemies during her term. With that said, your loyalty is of her utmost concern. So, please answer the following to the best of your ability
1 – If the mayor was to aggressively run up on a citizen in public at a bar shouting, you want Teedy well here she is, would you
- A. attempt to calm the mayor down
- B. remove the mayor from scene
- C. hold her purse
2 – If the mayor finds herself in the midst of a press conference that’s going terribly wrong, would you
- A. Create a diversion
- B. Unplug the mayor’s microphone
- C. Pull a fire alarm
3- If the mayor were to give you a carton of eggs, without her saying so would you
- A. Scramble them
- B. Set an oven to 350, place 2 of them in a ramekin with bacon, butter, spinach, and cheese
- C. Hurl all 12 of them at Lee Zurik’s door
All interested applicants shall place their resumes and burnt offerings under the 3rd stone to left of City Hall’s door.
An acceptance letter will be sent to the lucky winner in 4-6 business weeks.
Good luck to all. It’s an arduous process. But we look forward to anointing a new member of the team soon.