by Sarah Epstein MFT
As children, we learn that friendships last forever. And some do. Some friendships grow and mature. Others atrophy, leaving one or both participants in the friendship feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. Drifting away from a friend can feel confusing and painful. But there are signs that you may have outgrown the relationship.
1. The relationship is depleting rather than invigorating
Some friendships become depleting over time. What does a depleting friendship feel like? You might notice that you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you go to make plans. When the two of you are together, maybe the conversation is all about them or tends to focus on subjects you don’t care much about.
In a depleting relationship, you may be asked to do a lot of emotional labor, such as being asked to support them while they repeatedly complain about their job or spouse. After hanging out with this person, you may feel exhausted and wrung out. You may feel frustrated or angry but avoid potential conflict. You may vent about the friendship to others. These friendships take far more than they give.
Source: Source: Sarah Epstein
2. You become an expired version of yourself when you’re with them
Ideally, a friendship grows with you and allows you to be yourself as you are in the moment. But some friendships get stuck in the past, and one or both participants become expired versions of themselves.
In a stuck friendship like this one, you may be called upon to joke about things that no longer feel funny to you. You might be referenced as the “class clown” or “popular guy” or “nerd” long after you grew out of those monikers. Those types of friendships can feel stifling, like you can’t be who you actually are.
3. One person stops putting effort into the friendship
Sometimes, one person stops putting effort into maintaining the relationship. In these friendships, you make all the plans and follow up to make sure the plans happen. You may always offer to meet closer to them or go to restaurants they prefer. You may check in after big life events but not receive the same consideration. You may request more effort but find that the other person either will not or cannot comply.
Alternatively, you may notice that you’re the one no longer putting effort into the relationship. Perhaps you’re not as invested as you once were, and rely on your friend to make gatherings happen. It may feel easier to let the relationship continue rather than have a difficult conversation about where the two of you stand.
4. You have nothing in common anymore
You may have outgrown a friendship if you no longer have anything in common. Perhaps you were once best friends but pursued different interests or education and now find that it is difficult to maintain an easy flow of conversation. Instead, discussions may feel stilted, jumping from topic to topic or landing on a few limited areas of shared interest. You may feel confused or distressed during each hangout to realize that there isn’t much of a thread between you anymore.
Whether the friendship is from childhood, college, or adulthood, once-deep ties can be incredibly painful to end. These friendships are laden with a rich history, joyful memories, and hope for the future. But sometimes, holding onto a relationship that you’ve outgrown can be more painful, exhausting, and frustrating than mourning the loss and letting the person go.
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of Executive Appraisers Louisiana, an MBE-certified real estate appraisal firm, and EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu
Publisher — Black Source Media
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of Executive Appraisers Louisiana, an MBE-certified real estate appraisal firm, and EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu