In order to transcend the discomfort that sex typically stirs, you may need to radically rethink desire, marriage, fidelity, and much more.
By Alain de Botton
Why do most people lie about their true desires?
It is rare to go through life without feeling that we are somehow a bit odd about sex. It is an area in which most of us have a painful impression, in our heart of hearts, that we are quite unusual. Despite being one of the most private activities, sex is nevertheless surrounded by a range of powerfully socially sanctioned ideas that codify how normal people are meant to feel about and deal with the matter. In truth, however, few of us are remotely normal sexually. We are almost all haunted by guilt and neuroses, by phobias and disruptive desires, by indifference and disgust. We are universally deviant—but only in relation to some highly distorted ideals of normality.
Most of what we are sexually remains impossible to communicate with anyone whom we would want to think well of us. Men and women in love instinctively hold back from sharing more than a fraction of their desires out of a fear, usually accurate, of generating intolerable disgust in their partners.
Nothing is erotic that isn’t also, with the wrong person, revolting, which is precisely what makes erotic moments so intense: At the precise juncture where disgust could be at its height, we find only welcome and permission. Think of two tongues exploring the deeply private realm of the mouth—that dark, moist cavity that no one but our dentist usually enters. The privileged nature of the union between two people is sealed by an act that, with someone else, would horrify them both.
What unfolds between a couple in the bedroom is an act of mutual reconciliation between two secret sexual selves emerging at last from sinful solitude. Their behavior is starkly at odds with the behavior expected of them by the civilized world. At last, in the semi-darkness a couple can confess to the many wondrous and demented things that having a body drives them to want.article continues after advertisement
Why is sex more difficult to talk about in this era, not less?
Whatever discomfort we feel around sex is commonly aggravated by the idea that we belong to a liberated age—and ought by now to be finding sex a straightforward and untroubling matter, a little like tennis, something that everyone should have as often as possible to relieve the stresses of modern life.
The narrative of enlightenment and progress skirts an unbudging fact: Sex is not something we can ever expect to feel easily liberated from. It is a fundamentally disruptive and overwhelming force, at odds with the majority of our ambitions and all but incapable of being discreetly integrated within civilized society. Sex is not fundamentally democratic or kind. It refuses to sit neatly on top of love. Tame it though we might try, it tends to wreak havoc across our lives; it leads us to destroy our relationships, threatens our productivity, and compels us to stay up too late in nightclubs talking to people whom we don’t like but whose exposed midriffs we wish to touch. Our best hope should be for a respectful accommodation with an anarchic and reckless power.
How is sex a great lie detector?
Involuntary physiological reactions such as the wetness of a vagina and the stiffness of a penis are emotionally so satisfying (which means, simultaneously, so erotic) because they signal a kind of approval that lies utterly beyond rational manipulation. Erections and lubrication simply cannot be effected by willpower and are therefore particularly true and honest indices of interest. In a world in which fake enthusiasms are rife, in which it is often hard to tell whether people really like us or whether they are being kind to us merely out of a sense of duty, the wet vagina and the stiff penis function as unambiguous agents of sincerity.
A kiss is pleasurable because of the sensory receptivity of our lips, but a good deal of our excitement has nothing to do with the physical dimension of the act: It stems from the simple realization that someone else likes us quite a lot.
What is the lure of sex in the back of an airplane?
Most of the people we come in contact with in daily life hardly notice us. Their businesslike indifference can be painful and humiliating for us—hence, the peculiar power of the fantasy that life could be turned upside down and the normal priorities reversed. The eroticism of nurses’ uniforms, for example, stems from the gap between the rational control they symbolize and the unbridled sexual passion that can for a while, if only in fantasy, gain the upper hand over it.
Just as uniforms can inspire lust by their evocation of rule-breaking, so can it be exciting to imagine sex in an unobserved corner of the university library, in a restaurant’s cloakroom, or in a train car. Our defiant transgression can give us a feeling of power that goes beyond the merely sexual. To have sex in the back of an airplane full of business travelers is to have a go at upending the usual hierarchy of things, introducing desire into an atmosphere in which cold-hearted discipline generally dominates over personal wishes. At 35,000 feet up, just as in an office cubicle, the victory of intimacy seems sweeter and our pleasure increases accordingly. Eroticism is most clearly manifest at the intersection between the formal and the intimate.article continues after advertisement
Why is “Not tonight, Dear” so destructive?
Logic might suggest that being married or in a long-term relationship must guarantee an end to the anxiety that otherwise dogs attempts by one person to induce another to have sex. But while either kind of union may make sex a constant theoretical option, it will neither legitimate the act nor ease the path toward it. Moreover, against a background of permanent possibility, an unwillingness to have sex may be seen as a far graver violation of the ground rules than a similar impasse in other contexts. Being turned down by someone we have just met in a bar is not so surprising or wounding. Suffering sexual rejection by the person with whom we have pledged to share our life is much odder and more humiliating.
Why is impotence an achievement?
There are few greater sources of shame for a man, or feelings of rejection for his partner. The real problem with impotence is the blow to the self-esteem of both parties.
We are grievously mistaken in our interpretation. Impotence is the strangely troublesome fruit of reason and kindness intruding on the free flow of animal impulses, of our new inclination to wonder what another might be feeling and then to identify with his or her potential objections to our invasive or unsatisfactory demands.
All but the least self-aware among us will sometimes be struck by how distasteful our desire for sex can seem to someone else, how peculiar and physically off-putting our flesh may be, and how unwanted our caresses. An advanced capacity for love and tenderness can ironically render us too sensitive to try to pester anyone else into having sex with us, although now and then we may cross paths with individuals who are not appalled by our longing for urgent and forceful sexual congress, and who see nothing disgusting in even the farthest erotic extremes.
Impotence is at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through the imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner’s needs—a civilized worry that we will disappoint or upset others. It is an asset that should be valued as evidence of an achievement of the ethical imagination.
What do religions know about sex that we don’t?
Only religions still take sex seriously, in the sense of properly respecting its power to turn us away from our priorities. Only religions see it as something potentially dangerous and needing to be guarded against. Perhaps only after killing many hours online at youporn.com can we appreciate that on this one point religions have got it right: Sex and sexual images can overwhelm our higher rational faculties with depressing ease. Religions are often mocked for being prudish, but they wouldn’t judge sex to be quite so bad if they didn’t also understand that it could be rather wonderful.
Does marriage ruin sex?
A gradual decline in the intensity and frequency of sex between a married couple is an inevitable fact of biological life, and as such, evidence of deep normality—although the sex-therapy industry has focused most of its efforts on assuring us that marriage should be enlivened by constant desire.
Most innocently, the paucity of sex within established relationships has to do with the difficulty of shifting registers between the everyday and the erotic. The qualities demanded of us when we have sex stand in sharp opposition to those we employ in conducting the majority of our other, daily activities. Marriage tends to involve—if not immediately, then within a few years—the running of a household and the raising of children, tasks that often feel akin to the administration of a small business and call on many of the same skills.
Sex, with its contrary emphases on expansiveness, imagination, playfulness, and a loss of control, must by its very nature interrupt this routine of regulation and self-restraint. We avoid sex not because it isn’t fun but because its pleasures erode our subsequent capacity to endure the strenuous demands that our domestic arrangements place on us.
Sex also has a way of altering and unbalancing our relationship with our household co-manager. Its initiation requires one partner or the other to become vulnerable by revealing what may feel like humiliating sexual needs. We must shift from debating what sort of household appliance to acquire to making the more challenging request, for example, that our spouse should turn over and take on the attitude of a submissive nurse or put on a pair of boots and start calling us names.
The satisfaction of our needs may force us to ask for things that are, from a distance, open to being judged both ridiculous and contemptible so that we may prefer, in the end, not to entrust them to someone on whom we must rely for so much else in the course of our ordinary upstanding life. We may in fact find it easier to put on a rubber mask or pretend to be a predatory, incestuous relative with someone we’re not also going to have to eat breakfast with for the next three decades.
Why are bread crumbs in the kitchen bad for sex?
The common conception of anger posits red faces, raised voices, and slammed doors, but only too often it just curdles into numbness. We tend to forget we are angry with our partner, and hence become anaesthetized, melancholic, and unable to have sex with him or her because the specific incidents that anger us happen so quickly and so invisibly, in such chaotic settings (at the breakfast table, before the school run) that we can’t recognize the offense well enough to mount a coherent protest against it. And we frequently don’t articulate our anger, even when we do understand it, because the things that offend us can seem so trivial or odd that they would sound ridiculous if spoken aloud: “I am angry with you because you cut the bread in the wrong way.” But once we are involved in a relationship, there is no longer any such thing as a minor detail.
In an average week, each partner may be hit by, and in turn fire, dozens of tiny arrows without even realizing it, with the only surface legacies of these wounds being a near imperceptible cooling between the pair and, crucially, the disinclination of one or both to have sex with the other. Sex is a gift that is not easy to hand over once we are annoyed.
We are unable to rise above the fray and shift the focus from recrimination towards identification of the true sources of hurt and fear. Couples need to appreciate that their hostilities were shaped by the flow of their individual personalities through the distorting emotional canyons of their particular childhoods. We think we already know everything necessary about how to be with another person, without having bothered to learn anything at all. We are unprepared for the effort we must legitimately expend to make even a very decent adult relationship successful.
Why are hotels metaphysically important?
The walls, beds, comfortably upholstered chairs, room service menus, televisions, and tightly wrapped soaps can do more than answer a taste for luxury. Checking into a hotel room for a night is a solution to long-term sexual stagnation: We can see the erotic side of our partner, which is often closely related to the unchanging environment in which we lead our daily lives. We can blame the stable presence of the carpet and the living room chairs at home for our failure to have more sex: The physical backdrop prevents us from evolving. The furniture insists that we can’t change—because it never does.
In a hotel room, we may make love joyfully again because we have rediscovered, behind the roles we are forced to play by our domestic circumstances, the sexual identities that first drew us together—an act of aesthetic perception that will have been critically assisted by a pair of terry cloth bathrobes, a complimentary fruit basket, and a view onto an unfamiliar harbor. We can see our lover as if we had never laid eyes on him before.
Why is adultery overrated?
Contrary to all public verdicts on adultery, the lack of any wish whatsoever to stray is irrational and against nature, a heedless disregard for the fleshly reality of our bodies, a denial of the power wielded over our more rational selves by such erotic triggers as high-heeled shoes and crisp shirts, by smooth thighs and muscular calves.
But a spouse who gets angry at having been betrayed is evading a basic, tragic truth: No one can be everything to another person. The real fault lies in the ethos of modern marriage, with its insane ambitions and its insistence that our most pressing needs might be solved with the help of only one other person.
If seeing marriage as the perfect answer to all our hopes for love, sex, and family is naive and misguided, so too is believing that adultery can be an effective antidote to the disappointments of marriage. It is impossible to sleep with someone outside of marriage and not spoil the things we care about inside it. There is no answer to the tensions of marriage.
When a person with whom we have been having an erotic exchange in an Internet chat room suggests a meeting at an airport hotel, we may be tempted to blow up our life for a few hours’ pleasure. The defenders of feeling-based marriage venerate emotions for their authenticity only because they avoid looking closely at what actually floats through most people’s emotional kaleidoscopes, all the contradictory, sentimental, and hormonal forces that pull us in a hundred often crazed and inconclusive directions.
We could not be fulfilled if we weren’t inauthentic some of the time—inauthentic, that is, in relation to such things as our passing desires to throttle our children, poison our spouse, or end our marriage over a dispute about changing a lightbulb. A degree of repression is necessary for both the mental health of our species and the adequate functioning of a decently ordered society. We are chaotic chemical propositions. We should feel grateful for, and protected by, the knowledge that our external circumstances are often out of line with what we feel; it is a sign that we are probably on the right course.
New Orleans Must Improve the Lives of ALL African Americans
By Jeff Thomas
Many people often say I’m too focused on race. But look around our city. Most of the big social problems are in the African American community. Murder. Car jackings. Poverty. Covid hospitalizations. Drug abuse. Unemployment. The list goes on and on and on. Fixing these problems in that part of the African American community that struggles makes the city great for EVERYBODY. So if you are black or white or Asian or Hispanic and doing pretty good want to live in a safer cleaner city, let’s fix the problems in the ailing parts of our city. Helping poor black people benefits everybody.
Good news is we can do it. And it is not that hard. New Orleans should be a sanctuary city for the poor and struggling African Americans. Every policy and regulation possible should support this notion. And given the egregiously regressive and burdensome past, city government should fast track all current, available solutions. Even a cursory glance at the plight of hard-working African Americans in the city provides ample evidence of the urgent need for change.
Our current paradigm has created and sustains the crime-plagued, underperforming city. Low-performing schools contribute to the highest dropout rates in the country. Gentrification and low-paying jobs force many into the rental market in our city. And people who own their homes are nearly 90% less likely to commit crimes compared to those who rent. Though the murder rate is once again the highest in the country per capita. African Americans in NOLA die at alarmingly high rates. Especially when it comes to young people. We must fix serious and deeply-entrenched problems here quickly. It can be done with surprising ease if a coordinated attempt is employed.
THE SANCTUARY CITY MODEL
Characteristics of the sanctuary should include
home ownership programs
good neighborhood schools,
and ample business opportunities with direct access to available financing.
Combined, these targets will dramatically reduce poverty and improve the quality of life for all our citizens. With access to good-paying jobs and pathways to home ownership, crime will drop precipitously. Working men, who earn living wages, will fatten city coffers via property and sales tax payments. Needing fewer police officers, more money could then be shifted into job training programs. These programs prepare young people to enter the workforce and become taxpayers.
SWB JOBS PROGRAM
The Sewerage and Water Board can be the greatest jobs program in city history. Billions of FEMA dollars are scheduled to be spent repairing crumbling infrastructure. The board must hire, train and demand excellence from its repair people. Our ability to pump water is our lifeline. We must invest in training our people to protect our property. The SWB is more important than the NOPD. SWB must pay enough to enable employees to purchase homes.
Eighty five percent of people who commit crimes do not own their homes. Neighborhoods where people own their homes are cleaner, safer. And they provide ancillary activities (kids sports programs, block parties, etc.) that promote healthier living. Living wages help people qualify for mortgages. City-sanctioned home ownership classes would motivate and inspire people to save for down payments and improve their credit scores. The soft second mortgage programs should also be expanded.
Working families need close and convenient good schools for their children. Our experiment with charter schools must shift to emphasize local school excellence. Good neighborhood schools reduce stress, increase participation and reduce dropout rates, which in turn strengthen families. Parent-school partnerships are easier when parents are able to access school personnel close to home. Friendly rivalries centered around athletic and academic achievement will transform educational achievement[ in The Bowl. Businesses could offer cash prizes to the students who perform best and the schools which achieve great successes.
Police Chief Shaun Ferguson rose through the ranks. And he is a man from our streets who now leads the men and women who patrol our streets. He says, “The community and police must form a partnership.” He is correct when he says the NOPD needs citizen support. Right now, our NOPD is dangerously understaffed. Shifting to 12 hour shifts increases presence on the streets. Good move Chief. Also moving more desk and clerical jobs from police to citizen staffing will enable more officers to get out. And top brass should patrol our neighborhoods. They are our best and brightest. They have the experience and authority to effectively decipher complex situations. Is a shouting match serious?
We know arresting and jailing people for minor crimes, even for short periods of time, has dramatic and real effects. And ironically results in yet more crime. Instead, community policing operates in an atmosphere of cooperation and respect. Too often, police have operated with rigidity and oppressiveness. That stifles the community support it needs, desires, and deserves.
For too long, New Orleans and other municipalities have focused on fines and fees to finance government. Police decide who gets pulled over and issued a ticket. Furthermore, rigid rules and immediate late fees from municipal utilities create undue stress in an already overburdened populace.
In the 21st century, our cities must uplift the lives of all the citizens who make these places home.
It happens everyday in America!
By Jeff Thomas
Black men kill each other at alarming rates all across America every day. Nearly every city’s daily news casts reports, “Today in our city three (or thirty depending on the size of your city) men were shot and killed in three (or thirty) separate shootings. Police have no suspects in any of the cases.” And immediately and innately you know that the people killed were black and the killers were black. This has been going on for the last 30-40 years and no end is in sight. New Orleans has one of the highest murder rates nationally. Why do black men kill each other?
First Let’s Dispel a
First thing you have to know is that 99.999% of black men do
not commit murder ever in their lives.
That is a fact! This is not a
black man issue. There is nothing
genetically or intrinsically wrong with black men. But the fact remains that
daily hundreds of black men across this country are murdered everyday by
another black man. Why does this happen
with this subset?
Common factors to Black
men murdering other black men
The first thing about murder is that people usually kill
people who are similar to them in many ways, particularly race. White men normally murder other white men and
black men normally murder other black men.
In the black community, these killings are normally city events. Rarely do you hear of a drive by in the country. Most of these daily killings occur on the city streets. People kill others who they interact with.
Young men engage in risky and violent behavior. Most of the men dying on our streets are
between the ages of 17-35.
But these are often cited, unsurprising factors. More salient is what goes into the psyche of a guy who can look into the eyes of another man and pull the trigger at close range or jab a knife with the intent to murder another man? What are the other factors that contribute to becoming a murderer? Why do Black men kill each other
The guy who ain’t never scared and always looking to
escalate a situation. Down for whatever. Nothing to live for and anticipating the day
he will either kill or be killed. This
mindset is cultivated in a limited option, few chances, success deprived
life. This guy has had a number of
arguments and fist fights throughout his life.
He hates authority and frequently feels angry or resentful towards
people. He often seeks to overcome a
feeling of powerlessness. This guy is a
walking heap of rage. He is always nothing
but a gun and an argument away from murder.
The Disrespected Man
A man who feels like everybody but him gets respect.
Unemployed or stuck in a low wage hard work job
where his contributions are unrecognized
Lives with his mother and has little control over
his home environment
Has a child but no custody and a bad relationship
with his baby mama
Been profiled and harassed by the police
Observes community members driving nice cars
Rejected for better jobs
Feels unable to change his life status and is
insignificant in the world
Seeks to overcome feelings of impotence
For this guy, respect is everything and options to express
anger or refutation are often limited. He
often seeks to overcome a feeling of impotence. If another who seems unworthy
of disseminating criticism or scorn or generally crosses the line of imagined
respect, then a high level of response will be meted out.
Little life happiness
Thrill seeker often brags and talks about his toughness and ‘hood status.
Wants to make a real name for himself
Will recklessly escalate a situation or
When challenged by a non-believing skeptic, this man often
acts in unnecessarily violent ways in unnecessarily violent situations. Often seeks to overcome a feeling of powerlessness.
Too often black men suffer an inferiority
vilifies and criminalizes black men on a daily basis.
American culture is based upon the notion that
black people and specifically black men are less intelligent, completely
unpredictable, beast like, lazy etc., etc.
Black men internalize this notion and are
conditioned to see little value when they look in the mirror.
Beset by internal angst and torment.
Unresolved pain combined with poverty,
ignorance, oppression, violent police, violent neighborhoods, etc.
symptoms of an inferiority complex include a high sensitivity to criticism, perceiving
others as a threat, jealousy, a lack of dreams.
The daily feeling of isolation, powerlessness and impotence is like being a prisoner of war. One reason black men grab their genitals is to stress their vitality. Men who have been literally stripped of the ability to display their manhood – great jobs, big houses, educational attainment and all the other accoutrements of modern society- are literally killing to express their power in life. Twisted but true.
There’s little doubt that there’s a huge wealth gap in the U.S. along racial lines. As noted by Bloomberg, Black Americans have, on average, one-sixth of the wealth held by their white counterparts. And the racial wealth gap is getting wider every year.
As noted by the Harvard Gazette, this disparity is the result of nearly 160 years of systematic racism in the wake of the end of the Civil War. After General William Tecumseh Sherman’s Special Field Order Number 15 gave freed slaves acreage of their own, there was a moment of hope that the newly-freed Black Americans would be given the resources to build wealth and achieve true equality — but after President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination and the ascent of Andrew Johnson to the presidency, those efforts were reversed — and more than a century of Jim Crow laws and other racist policies essentially made it nearly impossible for most Black Americans to accumulate wealth.
Nearly impossible — but not totally impossible. A remarkable handful of brilliant Black Americans managed to become incredibly wealthy and successful despite these organized efforts to hold them down. Their stories are remarkable considering that Black Americans still face innumerable barriers to gaining wealth even in the modern day. (Of the 2,755 billionaires in the world as of 2022, only 15 are Black — and of the 724 billionaires in America, only nine are Black.) Here are America’s first Black millionaires.
As The Washington Post reports, America’s first Black millionaire was William Alexander Leidesdorff — a man Afro News notes is considered one of the founders of what would eventually be known as San Francisco. In 1845, President James Polk named him American Vice Consul to a Mexican outpost in California, making him the first Black American diplomat as well.
According to The Daily Beast, Leidesorff was mixed-race and claimed to have been born on St. Croix in the Danish West Indies — though there’s some speculation he might have been born in Hungary. Whatever the truth of his early life, Leidesdorff was incredibly successful. He worked in imports and made a tidy fortune, then moved to San Francisco and became one of its leading citizens, launching a general store, building ships, and running the city’s first hotel. When he died, the city flew its flags at half-mast. His estate was worth about $1.4 million at the time — or close to $60 million today.
One of the most remarkable aspects of Leidesdorff’s life is the fact that he lived openly as a biracial man in Antebellum America, which was not a time known for its racial tolerance. Legally, anyone with Black ethnicity in their background was considered Black, and as therefore subjected to racist policies and laws, even outside of the Southern states.
The New York Times reports that Mary Ellen Pleasant was born into slavery in 1814. In the 1820s, she moved to Nantucket, Massachusetts — and according to Investopedia, worked to assist the Underground Railroad, which helped those fleeing enslavement find their way to safe areas in the North of the country. She married a man named James Smith, and when he died, she inherited a small fortune.
In 1849, she moved to San Francisco, possibly due to the blowback she received for her work on the Underground Railroad. There she found work as a cook — and eavesdropped on her wealthy employers for investment tips. She soon became the richest woman in the city through a combination of smart loans and businesses, including a chain of boarding houses in a booming city. She was known as “Mammy Pleasant,” and designed and built a fine mansion in the city.
Despite the change of location and her growing fortune, Pleasant remained committed to the abolitionist cause, and secretly donated money — an incredible $30,000, nearly a million dollars in today’s money — to John Brown, whose raid on Harper’s Ferry was intended to spark an uprising and is a key moment in the lead-up to the American Civil War. When Brown was hanged, the authorities found a note in his pocket from Pleasant promising more money — but no one suspected she was the note’s author.
According to BlackPast, Robert Reed Church was born in 1839 to steamboat captain Charles B. Church, who was white, and a woman named Emmeline, who was enslaved by Charles. His father never legitimized Robert, but he trained him and hired him as a steward on his boat — the highest position a Black man could hold at the time.
Investopedia reports that Robert Church was forced to serve as a steward on board the steamboat Victona during the Civil War, but was emancipated after the war ended. He moved to Memphis, where he began to invest in real estate, quickly amassing a fortune and a business empire that included hotels and a bar, and co-founded the Solvent Savings Bank and Trust Company.
Church’s fortune rested on his personal resolve and bravery. During the 1866 race riots, Church was shot in his own bar and left for dead. Yet he refused to leave his adopted home. When Yellow Fever swept through the city, property values plummeted — and Church began buying land. By the time of his death, The Washington Post notes that Church was one of the largest landowners in all of Tennessee — possibly the largest. In 1879, Church was so rich that he led the charge in buying municipal bonds when the city of Memphis teetered on the edge of bankruptcy, helping to save the city, and in 1908 he personally paid the debts of the historic Beale Street Baptist Church to prevent its creditors from seizing the property.
According to Afro News, Hannah Elias was born in Philadelphia in 1865. Twenty years later, author Angus McLaren reports in his book “Sexual Blackmail,” she met the wealthy and highly respectable John R. Platt while working as a “courtesan” in San Francisco. Twelve years later, Platt met Elias again on the East Coast when she was working in a massage parlor — and the two began a relationship.
Platt helped Elias start a boardinghouse business in New York City, but the relationship soon soured, and Platt eventually accused Elias of extorting nearly $700,000 from him, threatening to reveal their sordid relationship to the world. Platt paid the blackmail for years, but in 1904 he’d finally had enough and had Elias charged. When the police arrived at her Central Park West home, she barricaded herself inside. Morbidly, her home then became a stop for early tour buses (pictured) for several days as she held the police at bay.
As noted by Investopedia, Platt’s lawsuit was eventually dismissed. Elias used the money she received from Platt and from her businesses to buy up real estate in Harlem, New York — quickly becoming one of the richest Black women in America at the time. The Atlanta Black Star reports her wealth at $1 million at its height. As noted by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Elias is credited with helping to establish Harlem as an iconic Black neighborhood in New York City. She vanished in 1915; although rumored to have traveled to Europe, no one knows her final fate.
As noted by Vox, Annie Turnbo-Malone is an often overlooked figure in Black American history, but her achievements as one of the first Black American millionaires deserve more attention.
According to authors Ayana Byrd and Lori Tharps in their book “Hair Story,” Turnbo-Malone was born in 1869 in Metropolis, Illinois, and was orphaned as a young child. Raised by her sister, Turnbo-Malone became interested in chemistry, specifically seeking solutions to the common hair problems Black women face, typically — even today — without much help from mainstream beauty companies. Self-taught in chemistry, she initially created a product called Wonderful Hair Grower and began going door to door in her hometown to sell it. It was an immediate success.
According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Turnbo-Malone later hit upon the idea of using lanolin ointment on damaged hair. She debuted her treatment at the 1904 World’s Fair, and by the end of World War I in 1918, she had a net worth of at least a million dollars, thanks to her Poro label of beauty products. The name “Poro” is a Mende (West African) word for “devotional society.” Turnbo-Malone soon had an international business that empowered other Black women, who could be trained to sell Poro products and even open their own hair salons under the Poro brand. The business was strong enough to withstand the Great Depression and was still going strong in the 1950s when Turnbo-Malone passed away.
Often (incorrectly) called the first Black American millionaire, Madam C.J. Walker was mentored by another Black millionaire — beauty products legend Annie Turnbo-Malone. Born Sarah Breedlove in 1867 to parents who had once been enslaved, Walker was the first person in her family to be born free. History reports that Walker became an orphan at the age of seven, was married at age 14 — and a widow at age 20.
She became interested in hair care after experiencing the trauma of hair loss. According to Vox, the treatments marketed to women suffering her condition were known to actually make things worse — something Walker learned from beauty legend Annie Turnbo-Malone when the two met in the early 1900s as Turnbo-Malone was getting her Poro beauty product empire off the ground. Walker followed Turnbo-Malone’s advice, and soon her hair was healthy and growing again — inspiring her to launch her own beauty and haircare business, modeled very closely on Poro.
As noted by authors Ayana Byrd and Lori Tharps in their book “Hair Story,” Walker introduced the “Walker System” for straightening hair, which became the foundation of the Black beautician industry. By the time of her early death in 1919, at just 51 years of age, she was not only incredibly wealthy, but she had also eclipsed her mentor in terms of fame and cultural impact.
O. W. Gurley
According to Forbes, Ottowa W. Gurley was born in 1868 in Arkansas, where he dreamed of a future far away from the Jim Crow laws of the South. In 1893, when Gurley was 25, that dream took him to the Cherokee Outlet Opening, a land run that gave away acres of land on a first-come, first-serve basis in Oklahoma. According to Inc., Gurley lived there until 1905, when the discovery of oil near Tulsa lured Gurley and his family there.
Investopedia reports that Gurley bought 40 acres of land and built a grocery store. Over the next decade and a half, Gurley was instrumental in developing the area into what would become the Greenwood neighborhood of Tulsa — which was also known as Black Wall Street, an incredible success story for Black Americans during a period of hateful racial oppression elsewhere in the country. The residents of Greenwood were prosperous and lived comfortably, seemingly in community with their white neighbors. Gurley thrived as well, and at its peak, his net worth was about $150,000 — about $5 million in today’s money.
As noted by History, Black Wall Street was destroyed on May 30, 1921, when a race riot of incredibly violent proportions broke out in Tulsa. Black families were murdered, buildings were burned, and within days the whole neighborhood had been wiped off the map. Gurley left Tulsa and moved to Los Angeles, where he died in apparent poverty 14 years later in 1935.
OZY reports James Forten was born in Philadelphia in 1766 as a free man. He was strongly affected by the rhetoric of the American Revolution; despite the racial oppression that existed at the time, Forten didn’t hesitate to enlist to fight against the British Empire. Having worked in a sail loft since the age of eight, it made sense that Forten served in the nascent American Navy.
According to The Philadelphia Inquirer, Forten was captured by the British while serving on board an American ship. The British captain had his own son on board, and paired Forten with him to act as a companion. When it came time for the ship to return to England, he offered to take Forten with him — but Forten would not betray his country, and refused the offer, winding up living on a prison ship for several months.
As reported by BlackPast, Forten was released in Philadelphia, where he resumed his job. After the war, Forten returned to sailmaking, and eventually took over the business from his employer. Forten grew incredibly wealthy — by 1832, his net worth was estimated at $100,000, which would be close to $3.5 million today. He remained both a patriot and an anti-slavery activist. When he passed away in 1842, his funeral was one of the largest ever seen in Philadelphia — and the crowd was decidedly multi-racial, as every aspect of society came out to pay their respects to a man who never betrayed his values.
According to author Loren Schweninger in the book “Black Property Owners in the South, 1790-1915,” John Stanly was born into slavery as the son of a merchant named John Wright Stanly and an Ebo woman born in Africa who had been transported to America by Wright. History Collection reports that Stanly was eventually enslaved by Alex and Lydia Carruthers, who allowed him to train as a barber. This, in turn, let Stanly earn enough money to purchase his freedom when he was 21 years old, and to purchase the freedom of his wife and two children a few years later.
Stanly’s business as a barber thrived, and he soon enslaved two Black men himself. He began purchasing property in North Carolina — and enslaving even more Black people. Despite knowing firsthand what it was like to be considered property, at the peak of his business empire, it’s estimated Stanly enslaved 163 people — according to Investopedia, Stanly was one of the richest men in his county at the time. At the same time, NCpedia notes that Stanly also helped many enslaved persons in North Carolina gain their emancipation, personally purchasing and freeing at least a dozen people.
In 1830, Stanly co-signed a loan for his half-brother, who promptly defaulted, forcing Stanly to mortgage all of his holdings — including those he held in bondage. By 1843, he’d sold off most of his property in order to pay his debts.
According to The Atlantic, when Jeremiah Hamilton died in 1875, he was the richest non-white man in America, with a net worth of about $2 million — more than $250 million in today’s money. Yet Hamilton is remembered as no one’s hero. In fact, BlackPast reports that Hamilton was known as “The Prince of Darkness.”
The first mention of Hamilton — which probably wasn’t his real name — comes when a counterfeiting scheme in Haiti fell apart, forcing Hamilton to flee to the United States. He became involved in Wall Street and padded his income by committing serious insurance fraud that involved buying ships, insuring them, and then purposefully sinking them in order to collect settlements. He lost his fortune at least once, but clawed his way back and eventually created what some believe was the prototypical hedge fund, pooling money from investors so he could borrow aggressively and dominate the market.
Hamilton was not well-liked, but in New York, respect for his financial acumen defied racism, and white New Yorkers happily sent him gifts and begged for his favor — in fact, Cornelius Vanderbilt (pictured), another man legendary for his ruthless approach to business, reportedly admitted that he respected Hamilton after the two tangled in court over control over a company.
Sarah Rector is one of the most unlikely millionaires, period, full stop. According to BlackPast, she was born in 1902 on Muscogee Creek land to a family that had been enslaved by the Creek Indians decades before. As reported by The Telegraph, an 1866 treaty granted all the former Creek slaves 160 acres of land, but by the time Rector’s family made their claim, there wasn’t much left, and according to The Washington Post, the land allotted specifically to Sarah was considered virtually worthless.
But the taxes had to be paid, so Sarah Rector’s father leased the land to the Devonian Oil Company — and in 1913, a miracle happened: The company struck oil on Sarah’s land. A lot of oil. In a matter of months, 10-year-old Sarah Rector was receiving roughly $300 a day from her oil lease — close to $9,000 today, or somewhere in the neighborhood of $3 million per year in today’s money.
The reaction of the white establishment was, of course, virulently racist. She was described as “an orphan, crude, Black and uneducated” in a local paper, and was often referred to using racial epithets. Rumors that Sarah was being mistreated by her federally-appointed guardian and her family began to circulate — but the truth was Sarah went to school and had control over her wealth. By the time she was 18, Sarah was officially a millionaire. She lived well until 1967, when she suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and passed away.
One of America’s first Black millionaires was also a driving force behind one of its most emotionally powerful holidays: Juneteenth, the day that celebrates the emancipation of slaves in the U.S. According to Forbes, a man named Charlie Brown was born into enslavement in Virginia and moved to Texas around 1865. It’s uncertain when Brown attained his freedom, but it’s known that he helped organize the first Juneteenth celebration in 1866.
As noted by the Houston Chronicle, despite his time in bondage and subsequent illiteracy, Brown was a shrewd businessman. Brown purchased land — including the plantation where he and his wife were once enslaved — and often saw opportunities no one else did. One of his first purchases was a plot of land no one saw much value in, but Brown cleared the land of trees and sold the lumber to a furniture company at a great profit. He quickly became one of the richest men in the country, dying a millionaire in 1920.
What makes Brown’s achievements more remarkable is the fact that Texas was not a friendly place for freedmen at that time. Very few emancipated Black people managed any sort of success, much less attaining incredible wealth, and Brown was himself kidnapped and beaten by members of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) on several occasions. The fact that Brown died one of the first Black millionaires in the U.S. despite all that hatred and racial violence is incredible.
by Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW
What are the keys to a great sex life?
When sex therapists and researchers discuss what makes for a truly great sex life, their lists are mainly composed of emotional or psychological factors, not physical ones. Communication is vital to a satisfying sex life, as are being intimate, vulnerable, and transparent with a partner; allowing oneself to be open to new experiences, and to fun; being in sync with each other, emotionally and sexually; and an ability to be in the moment and to be open to transcendent feelings
Do people enjoy sex less now than they used to?
Some researchers believe that the pace of contemporary life, as well as distractions like cellphones, are leading couples to derive less pleasure from their sexual encounters. Therapists suggest that individuals and couples spend more time becoming open and attuned to their bodies, and to their bodies’ signals of arousal and pleasure before, during, and after sex, to restore higher levels of satisfaction
Is foreplay equally important to women and to men?
Contrary to the stereotype that men are primarily interested in rushing into intercourse and climax, research shows that men desire an average of 18 minutes of foreplay, very close to the average of 19 minutes sought by women. Women, however, significantly underestimate how much foreplay their male partners wanted. Other research has found that longer foreplay leads to greater relationship satisfaction for men and women.
For women, kissing can be very important. Much more than men, women report finding it important to kiss a partner before sex, and they are more likely to report using kissing as a way to evaluate their interest in a new partner when considering having sex with them or not.
Are makeup and breakup sex really better?
They may be. The theory of arousal transfer suggests that powerful stimuli in one area can be transferred to another. Anger, for example, is an arousing emotion. In relationships, that high arousal state may be transferred to a high arousal state during makeup sex after a fight is resolved. Similarly, a couple breaking up may transfer the painful emotions of deciding to separate into intense sex as they say goodbye. Couples report intense lovemaking at these times, but there is a downside if, say, a couple rushes to makeup sex without truly resolving their conflict, or if a couple extends the life of a failing relationship because of great breakup sex.
Should couples schedule sex?
According to many sex therapists, they should. Different levels of sexual desire challenge many couples, but for others with high levels of desire for each other, the calendar becomes the enemy of satisfying sex because of conflicting work schedules, child care, or other commitments. Scheduling sex even days ahead of time can help a couple restore sexual goodwill, block out time for greater affectionate touch during sex, and, after the fact, elevated relationship satisfaction.
What is simmering?
For any couple, but especially one that has been experiencing challenges with sexual arousal, sex therapists recommend a practice known as simmering. It involves a couple scheduling sex and then taking moments throughout the course of the selected day fantasizing or daydreaming about sexual or erotic encounters to maintain a low “simmer” of arousal before going to bed together.
What is orgasm?
An orgasm, or climax, is the intense and usually pleasurable release of sexual tension after sexual arousal and stimulation. During orgasm, one’s heart rate and blood pressure rise, breathing becomes faster and heavier, and involuntary muscle contractions occur, not only in the genitals but often in the hips, chest, head, and limbs. In men, orgasm typically involves the ejaculation of semen, though not always. In some women, orgasm also leads to the release of ejaculate.
How often do people achieve orgasm?
Research suggests that only about one in four women regularly reach orgasm during vaginal sex, while more than three quarters of men do. For males and females alike, orgasm occurs faster and more reliably through masturbation. There are distinct health benefits in orgasm, including higher levels of oxytocin, which promotes bonding between partners, and increased blood flow to the brain.
For between 10 and 40 percent of women, reaching orgasm is difficult or rare. Causes include stress or anxiety, especially relationship anxiety; a lack of arousal or sexual stimulation or not enough time to reach orgasm during sex with a partner; poor body image; and pain during intercourse. PTSD, or reactions to certain medications, can also lead to struggles with orgasm. Many of these issues can be addressed in therapy that addresses emotional issues around sex, relationships, and self-esteem. Why might women not have orgasms?
What Happens After Sex
What is sexual afterglow?
Some researchers believe that the most important part of sex occurs after climax. The term sexual afterglow refers to the positive feelings that follow pleasurable sexual experiences, and some research suggests that it, and not the sex itself, determines how positively people feel about their sexual partners. Cuddling, kissing, and other expressions of intimacy after sex can increase afterglow, boost satisfaction, and extend the positive effects of sex on a relationship.
What do couples talk about after sex?
Research on “pillow talk” following sex has debunked the myth that men fall asleep first after sex: There’s no evidence of a gender difference. Also, women who reach orgasm during sex tend to talk more intimately after sex, revealing more about themselves. The release of the hormone oxytocin during sex, which promotes bonding, may foster this effect. Men with higher levels of testosterone after sex, however, appear to talk less, limiting bonding.
How long do partners feel good about each other following sex?
About 48 hours. Research on post-coital sexual and relationship satisfaction has found that partners experience elevated positive feelings about each other, and about their connection, for an average of two days following sex.
Is it more important for men or women to experience great sex?
Women. Research into relationship satisfaction finds that a woman’s sexual desire for her partner is more closely linked to relationship satisfaction than a man’s. Women’s levels of satisfaction with a relationship are also much more variable than men’s, which tend to remain at a consistent high level.
So now you know!
Hey, remember when Brett Favre sent that Jets sideline reporter a picture of his penis?* No? Ok.
Well remember when Brett Favre sent the Saints to the Super Bowl after throwing that horrible interception towards the end of the NFC Championship game? ** Yes? Cool.
Well the gun/dick slinger is back in the news again. Once known for playing fast and loose with the football, Favre is now doing the same with Mississippi’s welfare money.
Quick question: What do Brett Favre and people on welfare have in common? Quick answer: Nothing. Favre is world renown athlete who also happens to be a retired millionaire. Most welfare recipients are people just trying to make a living.***
Yet, the Mississippi Department of Human Services has decided that Favre is the person more in need. Actually, Human Services has determined that Favre needs run so deep that it directed $8 million his way to fulfill them.
Brett Favre is a Welfare Queen
While mere mortals on welfare depend on Human Services for basic stuff like – I don’t know – food, Favre faces a greater existential dilemma. Like whether Human Services can direct $5 million towards a new volleyball stadium for his alma mater and daughter. Or whether Human Services can direct $1 million his way for speeches he’ll never give. Or whether Human Services can direct $2 million to a pharmaceutical company he’s invested in.
John Davis, the then director of Human Services, was like, of course we can. And just to make sure that a prideful man like Brett Favre wasn’t ever put on the spot, it was agreed that this “aid” should be discreetly laundered through fees for those speeches he never gave. Favre even once asked, “if you were to pay me is there anyway the media can find out where it came from and how much?” The reply was, of course not. Now, John Davis and others are facing criminal charges.
Ever since the federal government, via TANF, started giving states block grants for welfare causes, some states have played fast and loose with what constitutes a welfare cause. Now, instead of distributing money directly to the people who need it, states can throw the money to some non-profit and claim its fighting welfare and poverty on a different front, like through a Brett Favre speech.****
Mississippi, because of Favre, has become the poster child for welfare fraud. But the case expands beyond him. It expands to the director’s nephews, in-laws, and other athletes. A state auditor has found almost $77 million in fraud over a 3-year span. Who knows what fraud is waiting to be unearthed nation-wide.
The pharmaceutical company Favre stole money for is into concussion research. That makes sense considering Favre once confessed to being knocked senseless at least 1,000 times in his career.
Speaking of concussions, that raises a question: does the sports media have one? Does it have some type of CTE post-Favre infatuation syndrome that has left it unable to do what the media normally does with stories like this, which is make a proper spectacle out of it. Right now, we know more about Tom Brady’s marriage than we know about Favre defrauding $8 million from needy families and the federal government.
Brett Favre is a Welfare Queen
Let’s be clear though: Brett Favre is a welfare queen. Instead of prancing through the grocery store in slippers and a robe dumping filet mignon in his basket, he’s assumed a more nefarious stereotype – the hypocritical white man in a business suit. He’s the republican talking about hard work and bootstraps. He’s the white man claiming black people on welfare are moochers bringing down the moral fabric of this country. But clearly, he’s not worried about boot straps or morality. He’s just worried about getting his. Well hopefully the next time he hears a ringing in his ears and sees lights flashing before his eyes, it’s coming not from a concussion but from a squad car pulling up to his door signifying he’s about to get just that.
*clear indication that he lacks good judgment and character (he was married at the time). **that horrible pass was also a clear indication that he lacks good judgment. I’d be surprised if any self respecting Minnesotan has ever spoken to him again.
****maybe his words are nutritious 🤷🏿♂️?
Betsy’s Pancake House Blames Crime for Business Drop
Betsy’s Pancake House has been serving breakfast and lunch in New Orleans for 35 years. But now Betsy’s pancake house business is suffering. And Betsy’s Pancake House blames crime in New Orleans. This is a real problem. If local businesses can’t attract customers because of crime, then New Orleans has a survivability problem. Small businesses create 2/3’s of new jobs nationally and nearly 90% of new jobs in New Orleans. If crime kills small businesses in New Orleans, then we can pack it up.
Betsy’s daughter, Mary Murdock, now runs the restaurant. She said customers “are afraid to come and park their cars because of the carjackings and the break-ins,” Murdock said. “It’s not only us, it’s any place in the city that you go to.” She also adds that hiring employees is difficult because of crime. “We cannot get employees because people are afraid to come to work. We open at 5:30 in the morning and our girls and our guys in the kitchen have to be here at 4:30, 5 o’clock in the morning.”
New Orleans has a major crime problem. And according to Betsy’s, crime is the reason for everything. You get the idea. If you let Betsy’s tell it, then their dry thin greasy bacon is because of crime. The sticky old, cracked tablecloths in Betsy’s – crime. The horrible smell just outside the door of the restaurant kitchen -crime. The dirty cups and bent old silverware – you guessed it crime in New Orleans. And let’s not forget that shiny clean new 24 hour Waffle House restaurant on the next corner. Its always crowded and has a smooth new parking lot. But the reason Betsy’s business is declining- that horrible crime in New Orleans.
The Betsy’s crime claim is a calamity. You can either be a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Betsy’s blaming their business failing on crime is as bad as their dry oatmeal. We need business leaders to offer good paying jobs with clean working conditions. Calling the grown women who work in their kitchen “girls” is emblematic. Respect your employees and pay them a good wage. Waffle House is less than 200 feet away and is fully staffed 24 hours a day. The brand new hospitals with thousands of employees is easy walking distance. Maybe market to those people?
There’s an old pancake joke that goes, “Did you hear what happened to the angry flapjack? It totally flipped.” Betsy’s flipped. Instead of looking in the mirror, they are blaming the community that could support them. And ironically they now beg for some community welfare. Their dog whistle for customers as they threaten to move to Metairie is as appalling as the dangerous, slippery and greasy sidewalk by their side entrance.
Yea crime is bad. But Betsy’s business is failing for about 20 other more significant reasons than crime. No, these aren’t the first people to mess up their inheritance. But them blaming crime is shameful. Listening to them whine flop around is like a short stack of pancakes without the syrup.
It really is that simple to make yourself a little happier.
by Alison DeNisco Rayome
Here’s a sad statistic: 45% of people say they haven’t felt true happiness for more than two years, according to a June Oracle report that surveyed more than 12,000 people. Perhaps worse, 25% say they don’t know, or have forgotten, what it means to feel truly happy.
While money can’t buy happiness (though it does help), spending just a few minutes of your day on one thing actually can make you happier right now, and into the future. And no, it doesn’t involve a meditation app or buying anything.
A common misconception about happiness is that it’s fixed and we can’t change it. In reality, at least part of it is within your control. Sure, your circumstances (your job and your material possessions) matter, but not as much as you may think. Several science-backed methods can help you boost your own feelings of contentment. (If you have clinical anxiety or depression, these aren’t a replacement for professional help, though research suggests they can be a beneficial supplement.)
Here’s one of the easiest ways to make yourself happier in just a few minutes a day.
Write down 3 things you’re grateful for
It’s that easy.
Writing down three good things that happened to you — and why those things happened — at the end of each day leads to long-term increases in happiness and decreases in depressive symptoms, according to a 2005 study from Martin Seligman, director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.
The things you write down can be major, simple or somewhere in the middle — whether you got a job promotion or just saw a cute dog on your walk. You can write them on a piece of paper, in a note-taking app, in a journal or wherever you like.
Your list might look something like this: “Finished a project at work, because I worked hard on it. Had a nice conversation on the phone with a friend, because she called me. Went for a walk and saw some beautiful flowers, because it was a nice day.”
In the 2005 study, participants who were assigned to write down three good things and their causes each night started to see beneficial effects quickly. After one month, they reported feeling happier and less depressed than when they started, and they stayed that way through follow-ups at three months and six months, when the study concluded.
So take time to count those blessings, large and small. Science says it could have a real impact on your well-being.
by Dave Smallen Ph.D.
Studies show that responsiveness benefits relationships and personal well-being.
We experience responsiveness when we feel understood, validated, and cared for by others.
Perceiving people in our lives as responsive has been shown by numerous studies to benefit both relationships and personal well-being.
Unfortunately, it can be challenging to communicate understanding, validation, and care because we all perceive social interactions differently.
In the world of relationship science, a growing trove of studies shows how a specific kind of experience between two people is crucial for satisfying relationships and individual moments of human connection. Researchers refer to this experience asresponsiveness.
Consider the following scenario related to me by a recent study participant:
I have been struggling and have had many hard times emotionally due to my anxiety the last few weeks…The other night [my husband] called me on his way home from work and I just broke down in tears and explained how I needed him more than ever right now…He listened to everything I was saying. He validated my feelings and told me he understood. He made me feel like he got it. It brought me comfort just knowing he was hearing my feelings…
She describes a near textbook example of responsiveness. When you feel understood, validated, and cared for by another person–especially when you have disclosed something personal and emotional–psychologists would say you experienced this person as responsive.
Responsiveness Gets Results
Study after study shows that treating each other with responsiveness keeps our social lives healthy. Researchers have examined responsiveness between romantic partners, roommates, strangers, and parents and teens, among others, and find that experiencing understanding, validation, and care in most kinds of relationships has measurable benefits–for the relationship itself and the two individuals who make it up.
Responsiveness especially helps us to cultivate the closeness and trust of intimacy by responding with understanding, validation, and care when others open up and share vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Responding to one another’s vulnerability responsively creates a shared culture between two people of emotional safety and openness. This is imperative to quality long-term relationships and personal mental health.
Even more striking, people who feel their romantic partners are highly responsive across the arc of a relationship even experience better long-term physical health. This is likely because a generally responsive partner helps us manage stress, whereas perceiving our partner as unresponsive keeps us stressed. Throughout a long relationship, chronic stress can take a toll on a person’s body–for example, a lack of responsiveness may be related to poorer sleep, which adds up night after night.
Let’s call it a layer of complexity instead: Despite our best intentions, it is not always easy or straightforward to be perceived as responsive when we try to show up for another person.
All communications between two people must cross multiple thresholds: In my attempt to be responsive to you, I first must mold my thoughts and feelings into verbal or physical expressions; then, you must hear, see, or feel those expressions, and finally, make your interpretation of the meaning of my expression. This happens quickly and often automatically, yet in each stage, some of my original intended meaning is likely to be lost or misconstrued.
So, it is not enough for me to genuinely understand you and care for you; I must successfully communicate that understanding and care so that you interpret me as responsive. Only then do you feel that subsequent openness, closeness, trust, and comfort. This is why studies generally focus on perceived responsiveness–measuring people’s subjective experience of how responsive others are.
How we perceive another person’s engagement with us depends on many things, such as our feelings in that moment or our hopes for the interaction. If we are experiencing a stretch of loneliness, we also are more likely to interpret people with skepticism as to the sincerity of their care, making it more challenging to take to heart their attempts at responsiveness.
Because each of us has a different personality and past, our individual preferences for what feels responsive will be different: Some people feel cared for when they get a big hug, others prefer care served up with a dose of humor, and some appreciate the time to verbally process. We also differ in how we tend to display care to others, so it may be easier or more challenging to be responsive depending on who we are with.
How to Communicate Responsiveness
We can do things to ensure better that our understanding, validation, and care get across to another person. For example, a recent set of studies explores what the researchers call high-quality listening, showing how listening well to others promotes perceived responsiveness.
High-quality listening first involves paying attention, which is key to understanding someone. Attentive listening also demonstrates validation–that you respect the thoughts and feelings someone is sharing (whether or not you can relate), especially when you show your attention by avoiding interruptions, directing eye contact and posture in their direction, and practicing what psychologists call back-channeling: nodding and “mhm-ing” to show you are still there with them.
The effort we take to understand each other also matters to high-quality listening. Seeing that another person is motivated to understand you shows that they value you. Asking non-judgmental, open-ended questions and gently asking people to elaborate to help you understand also shows you care about them feeling seen and heard.
Practice, Not Perfect
We should neither expect to give nor receive responsiveness perfectly. Even if two people have an easy time conveying mutual understanding, validation, and care, they will still miss the mark much of the time.
Human connection is an ever-evolving practice in each of our relationships, not a puzzle with a perfect solution. What matters is our honest attempts to show up for each other day after day, developing a unique and imperfect shared culture of care.
The RTA is changing bus routes. In less than a week, more than 30,000 riders will see some changes to their bus route. It’s part of the New Orleans Regional Transit Authority’s major overhaul of its bus network to accommodate areas with higher transit-dependent populations. Areas impacted include New Orleans East and Algiers. The new bus routes will start on Sunday, September 25. RTA will provide riders with shorter trips, reduced wait times, and increased access to jobs, grocery stores, healthcare, and other essential services.
Free Bus Rides
The RTA is offering a four-day free fare promotion to allow riders to adjust to their new routes without having to pay for their trips. Beginning Sunday, September 25 through Wednesday, September 28, riders can board – without payment – all RTA buses, streetcars, and Algiers Point-Canal Street ferry.
The bus route changes are the first significant effort since the agency recovered from Hurricane Katrina in 2005. New Orleans has changed a lot since then, including where people live and where they need to go. And these new routes allow the RTA to serve our community better today.
The new bus routes were developed through a two-year study. RTA partnered with the Regional Planning Commission (RPC) and Jefferson and St. Bernard parishes. This study, known as New Links, reviewed travel patterns, community preferences, and ways to better connect transit throughout the region.
The upcoming changes reflect the extensive feedback collected during the New Links study. The study had input from over 3,000 riders through surveys, meetings, and ride-alongs.
Bus Service Improvements in Gentilly, New Orleans East, and Algiers
RTA says the agency’s existing network does not meet riders’ current transit needs. This is especially true in communities that are furthest from downtown. The agency has limited existing resources, including a budget and the number of buses and operators. So the agency redistributed the City’s bus service to areas where riders need them most. These route changes provide better overall travel times, access and flexibility. Here are some bus service improvements riders in Gentilly, New Orleans East, and Algiers can expect:
The new routes include direct cross-town route options for Gentilly, connecting riders to Central City, Mid-City, Hollygrove, and Uptown.
Gentilly riders will also have a new higher frequency connection to the downtown hub by using the 55-Elysian Fields.
55- Elysian Fields will have a 20-minute frequency and serve the Gentilly Woods Hub, enabling a transfer to several different routes serving the East, Mid-City, and Uptown.
The new neighborhood routes significantly improve access to nearby grocery stores, NORD facilities, hospitals, community clinics, and other essential services within New Orleans East and Algiers – where surveyed riders told RTA they needed increased local service.
RTA has also increased the number of buses on routes that go downtown by adding more buses to most used routes, reducing wait times, and making transfers easier.
The agency is adding more late-night and overnight routes to provide better services for our hospitality and healthcare workers who rely on RTA buses to get to and from their jobs.
RTA has expanded bus services to underserved communities such as Cutoff and Tullis in Algiers. They will have a bus service every 15 minutes instead of having to wait every 45 minutes or more.
The new 103-General Meyers local route will be scheduled to line up with our ferry service, giving riders an additional option to get downtown.
The RTA is changing bus routes. The RTA kicked off an awareness campaign in early August with transit ambassadors talking to riders at some of the busiest bus stops. The transit ambassadors are meeting riders where they are – at the bus stops –across the city almost every day of the week ahead of September 25. Learn more about the new routes by visiting RTA’s website at www.norta.com/september25, calling RIDELINE at 504-248-3900 or texting “RTA Updates” to 41411.
In last week’s version of wild and misleading headlines, one stuck out. You may have come across it, something about New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell and A.G. Jeff Landry joining forces to end the NOPD’s consent decree.
The headlines many have conjured an image of the Mayor and A.G. kicked back on a first-class fight, high-fiving, and toasting to the eventual downfall of the federal government’s intrusion into the city’s police department and politics.
But of course, that’s not what’s happening. The two won’t be clinking glasses anytime soon. For her part, the mayor is trying to resurrect her struggling 2nd term. She wants to tackle crime – one of the city’s most glaring problems. And Landry, Landry is just doing Landry, latching onto an issue for political purposes. Lately, it seems New Orleans has been the eye of his infatuation.
Previously on Pandering for Political Purposes, Landry tried to withhold funds for a S&WB plant because of the City Council’s and D.A.’s stances on abortion. If you’re wondering what the city’s sewerage and abortion have to do with each other, the answer is nothing. If you’re wondering what the city’s sewerage and abortion have to do with Landry lining up support for his run for Governor, the answer is everything.
The same applies in this situation. To his credit, Landry does have a New Orleans contingent in his ear – the self proclaimed Bayou Mama Bears. Yes, that is the name of a group of women who demand you take them seriously.
The Mama Bears came to fame by teaming up with Landry to oppose COVID vaccines and masks mandates during the pandemic and to heckle Mayor Cantrell over crime in the city. Like Landry they’ve now deemed themselves experts on the NOPD and consent decrees. Mostly by just talking about it.
This contrasts the heavy lifting Mayor Cantrell has done. Agree with her or not, the Mayor has put in an honest effort of going to Washington to state her case for ending the decree with members of the Justice Department. Landry’s stance, on the other hand, has basically been the equivalent of standing in a corner, shouting, “Yeah, what she said.”
Both are miffed with federal judge Susie Morgan for moonwalking away from her earlier vow to put the NOPD on a transition path. Judge Morgan had previously praised the NOPD for making progress towards its liberation. But that was before the department’s numbers started tanking towards crisis proportions.
Mayor Cantrell And A.G. Landry Aren’t Joining Forces Yet
Since then, neither Cantrell nor Landry have countered Morgan’s new concern – that the NOPD no longer has the staff on hand to continually enforce the tenets of the decree. As of this writing, there are barely 1000 members.
Surely, if Landry were asked his thoughts on this, he’d utter platitudes about federalism and the cost of federal monitors. Mayor Cantrell, for her part, would do what she has come to do recently when the media questions her – utter something infuriating.
Going forward, It’ll be interesting if the city has to turn to the same federal government it’s trying to free itself from for help in paying for new officers and retaining present ones. When those headlines come out, we’ll be back to write about the wild and misleading spectacle that’s made of that.
You read that right. High school football player attacked a referee. Fights occasionally happen in football games. But at the high school level, discipline is the number one lesson. So fights are harshly dealt with. Students are suspended or disqualified. Rules are strict and clear when a fight erupts. Players are to be immediately ejected. But never do players hit referees. But last week, a player attacked and tackled a referee.
Two of the states elite football programs squared off last week. Number 1 ranked Zachary High School hosted the perennial powerhouse John Curtis Patriots. While Curtis is a traditional power, Zachary has only recently become one of the state’s football powers. Zachary dominated the game from the start, partly due to several Curtis turnovers.
But the domination of Zachary over Curtis is overshadowed by a situation which is becoming a scandal.
The game was marred by a terrible brawl. Curtis is not used to being blown out and their frustration boiled over late in the game. An ugly fight was topped off by a Curtis player ramming and spearing a referee. The targeting of a ref by a high school player was violent and brutal.
What is most shocking is that no media coverage of this terrible fight exists. Due a Google search of Zachary/Curtis fight and nothing comes up. Is the media protecting JT Curtis? Clearly the Curtis players started and escalated the savage fight. Numerous Curtis players swung and punched Zachary players who simply protected themselves.
High school football is no place for such criminal behavior. In fact, the undisciplined corner brawling tactics used by the John Curtis players is not only shocking but deeply concerning. Schools like Curtis recruit African American players to their campus. They claim to uplift the lives of these kids. But the nasty display of street corner conduct shows a disconnect. At least five (5) Curtis players threw punches. Yet there has been no public statement from the school. Many claim that these schools only use these players for their athletic gifts. And in this case the silence is deafening.
Does Curtis Follow the Rules?
Will any punishment occur? Is the LHSAA involved? A referee was physically tackled. Running at full speed Curtis player 23 knocks the grown man to the ground. Was he hurt? JT Curtis goes on TV every Friday night to discuss high school football. His entire tone and tenure is about doing things the right way all the time. But when his kids break every rule and physically assault a referee, we hear nothing. In fact during the broadcast Curtis never even mentioned the melee.
This is unacceptable. Our children deserve better. Especially when these schools attract kids from outside their typical service area with promises of better. This is not better. This is worse.
And the media coverup is shameful. No Baton Rouge station carried the fight. No New Orleans media outlet mentioned it until this article. Is JT Curtis so powerful that he can do no wrong? It really begs the question.
What else is JT Curtis hiding? We know a high school football player attacked a referee and nothing happened. Is he helping young black kids improve their lives? Or is he simply profiting for personal gain? We all deserve better.
High school football player attacked a referee.
Not only should the players be disqualified, but the school must also face punishment. The legendary JT Curtis is older and might be out of touch. Curtis is certainly no longer the dominant program it once was. But JT Curtis seems to think he can sweep this terrible display of cowardice by his players and staff under the rug.
To See Curtis Player Hammer the referee Click Below
Tchiki Davis, Ph.D.
Discover science-based tips to start believing in yourself.
When we believe in ourselves, it can help us achieve our goals, manifest our dreams, and increase our well-being. But the flip side is also true. Lack of belief in ourselves means we are less likely to act, to change, or to push to make things better. In fact, when we expect we will fail, we are actually more likely to fail (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002).
That means that believing in ourselves is kind of like the key that turns the ignition and starts the car. We can’t really go anywhere without it. Try as we might to push ourselves forward, we’re blocked because our thoughts, attitudes, and actions aren’t in alignment with our goals. So, we either don’t do what we need to do or we sabotage ourselves along the way, sometimes in obvious ways and sometimes in unconscious ways.
Self-worth is the sense that you have value as a human being.
Self-confidence is a positive attitude about your abilities, qualities, and judgment.
Self-trust is faith that you can rely on yourself.
Autonomy is feeling able to choose and direct your own behavior.
Environmental mastery is your belief that your efforts will result in the changes you desire.
These are some of the key components involved in believing in yourself. Maybe you struggle with just one of them or maybe you struggle with all of them. By understanding where your struggles lie, it’ll be easier to start shifting your attitudes about yourself.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Ask yourself these questions to better understand if there are things that are getting in the way of you believing in yourself:
Self-worth: Do you value yourself as a human being? Do you agree that you’re no worse than any other person?
Self-confidence: Do you feel good about your skills, strengths, and abilities? Do you feel good about your personal qualities? Do you feel good about your judgment and level of indecisiveness?
Self-trust: Can you rely on yourself? Can you trust that you’ll do what you say you’ll do?
Autonomy: Do you feel free to do what you want to do? Do you believe that no one can stop you from reaching your dreams?
Environmental mastery: When you take action, do you believe that it will lead to the results you desire? Do you believe that you’re able to get the things you want?
If you answered “no” or were leaning towards “no” to any of these questions, those are likely the areas that thwart your ability to believe in yourself. Spend some time thinking more about how you might shift these self-beliefs to believe in yourself more.
How to Believe in Yourself
Change your self-talk
Once you’ve identified your unsupportive self-beliefs, question these beliefs by talking back to your inner voice. If you feel like you have no value, tell yourself, “You are a valuable, amazing, person who deserves to live a good life.” Or, if you don’t feel confident, remind yourself of your positive qualities and skills.
Positive self-talk like this has been shown to improve our performance (Tod, Hardy, & Oliver, 2011). By saying positive things to ourselves, we can start to rewrite our internal scripts. We can slowly but surely start to develop new scripts in our minds that are a bit more like cheerleaders and a bit less like jerks. And this helps us shift our beliefs.
We often think of trust as something we have for others. But we can also have trust in ourselves. Having (or not having) this trust in ourselves has similar implications as having (or not having) trust in others. For example, when we trust someone, we’re honest with them, we can count on them, and we are confident in them doing what’s best for us.
So what might it mean when we don’t trust ourselves? Well, maybe we don’t want to be honest with ourselves because we’re not sure what we’ll do with that information. Maybe we can’t count on ourselves to do the things we tell ourselves we’ll do. Or, maybe we’re afraid that we’ll do things to harm ourselves instead of help ourselves.
It may sound odd when spelled out like this, but many of us do indeed have self-trust issues. For example, maybe we’ve told ourselves a thousand times that we are going to start exercising… but we never do it. So how likely is it that we’d trust ourselves to start a new exercise program? Not very likely.
Here are some tips to start building trust within yourself:
Do what you say you’re going to do. Maybe this means reducing your number of commitments, learning to say “no,” or setting stronger boundaries. Experiment if you need to see what you need to do to stick to your word.
Be honest with yourself. Engage in self-reflection to get to the truth of what you really think, feel, and need in life. Try not to focus so much on what other people want you to do.
Do what you believe is right. Live your values and follow your inner compass. If you’re on a path that is true to you, then it’ll likely be easier to believe in your ability to walk it.
Be clear. Get clearer about who you are and what you want. Know the things you are willing to do and the things you are not. That way you can trust yourself to make good decisions and communicate them effectively.
Believing in ourselves involves a bit more than just forcing ourselves to develop self-love and start pursuing our goals. It’s more a matter of seeing where we’re stuck and compassionately exploring how to get unstuck. Hopefully, these were some useful tips to get started.