Beware of Trump’s new tennis shoe, the Air Insurrection or Never Surrender, as he calls it. It’s dangerous. Try not to make direct eye contact with it, even online. And if you do find yourself in the same room with a pair, set up a wide perimeter, and stake out a position there.
The shoe is designed to do things to you, as a black man. Colored in faux 14k gold with red bottoms, the shoe supposedly embodies what black people value most in this world.
“This is connecting with black Americans because they love sneakers, especially in the inner city,” said Raymond Arroyo, one of Trump’s Fox News supporters. “[Trump] is reaching them on a level that defies and is above politics.” “So when [he] rolls out his sneaker line, they’re like, ‘Wait, this is cool!’”
Make no mistake, this is not Cinderella’s slipper. Try one on and you won’t be turned into a prince, a princess, or any type of astute political being. Let Arroyo tell it, there’s an inner n-word tucked away inside you. And the shoe’s job is to channel through your core and establish a direct link to it. Once established, you’ll eventually end up forsaking all moral and political stances — behind a pair of tennis shoes.
Trump’s New Shoes Are For Dumb N-Words
As a black man blinded by the bling, no other type of engagement will be necessary to persuade you. No talk of policies. No talk of procedures. Just tennis shoes. “Culture always trumps politics,” Arroryo said, “and Trump understands culture like no politician I’ve ever seen.”
Remember those old myths of European colonizers being able to get African tribal leaders to sell their own people into slavery for a few pieces of gold. This is a direct callback to that. Black people were thought of as backwards and easily manipulated then. And this supposed outreach shows that amongst Trump and some of his supporters still think this way now. But clearly, they have not thought this scenario through.
Surely with my inner n-word tapped and unleashed, there would have to be some side-effects to wearing these shoes. Some that would run against what Republicans supposedly value. For example: Will I instantly seek out a baby mama to impregnate and abandon? Will I have the urge to carjack somebody? Will I become lazy? Or will I become dependent on food stamps and welfare? Will I hate the police? Or worse, in serious cases, will I develop an affinity for throwing my vote away to the Democratic Party? This whole thing could backfire in typical Trump fashion.
Related: Why People Love Trump So Much
$399. That’s how much these shoes cost. They’re gaudy. And they’re obnoxious. Just like Trump. Don’t be surprised if Kanye West and Candace Owens have a matching pair. Trump is hoping you and your plus-one do the same. His vision is a nation of black people pledging adoration and blind allegiance. “Anybody willing to put to 400 bucks down on a pair of sneakers…that’s love and commitment. It’s something, it’s affection.” It’s cult talk is what it is. Stay away from it, and your inner n-word.