We’ve Finally Found The Best Way To Fight Crime

Finally, the wait is over. The NOPD has released its long anticipated crime plan. Hallelujah. Pop the champagne. Drop the confetti. Because this is it. The plan of all plans. This plan is not to be confused with the other plan of all plans. That plan was an 81 page tome authored by a New York consultant the mayor flew down. After 5 months, it has apparently been thrown in the garbage. We are now under the reign of the latest and greatest plan of all plans.

Brace yourself. The first thing you’ll notice about the new plan is that it’s much easier on the environment. Where the previous plan was 81 pages long, this one comes in at an eco-friendly 11 pages. If you do the math, that’s a savings of 70 pages.

But the NOPD is not here to save the environment. The NOPD exists to fight crime. And interim Superintendent Michelle Woodfork, author of the plan, has pulled off something remarkable. Over the course of 11 pages, she has managed to say nothing. Yes, there are actual words on the pages. But when you put them together, they somehow manage to say nothing.

Imagine the confusion that’s running through criminal circles right now. Imagine the fear they have of carjacking somebody knowing that the NOPD approach is to do nothing. It’s an ingenious approach on Woodfork’s part. They’ll never know what’s coming if nothing is coming. 

Interim NOPD Superintendent Woodfork

In this plan, nothing is fleshed out over 3 specific goals for tackling crime and turning the NOPD around.

GOAL 1: Improving public safety through meaningful partnerships and efficient use of resources.

Yeah, I know, confusing. But apparently this means coordinating with state police and the federal government while “building bridges and fostering meaningful relationships between the community and police.” That’s just downright novel. It’s like a thought that’s never been thought of. How did no other superintendent or consultant ever think of using available resources?

GOAL 2: Retaining, recruiting, and creating a positive work environment.

Here it gets even juicier. This will be attained by creating “clear lines of internal communication throughout the Department” and “establishing a work environmental that’s subjective to professional growth and results.”

Again, in all of our years, how has no one said they wanted to make the NOPD a better place to work?

GOAL 3: Creating an evolution of systems and processes that improve the efficiency of the department.

This goal will be achieved by “developing both analytic and operational systems that provide a sound structural component to addressing and reducing crime.” And making sure “employees…have a clear delineation of what those systems are.”

And you know what’s said about those systems in this plan — nothing. That’s the genius of it. It’s so nice knowing we’re in good hands now. Who needs a national search for a new superintendent when we can just do nothing?

So if you’re a seasoned or aspiring criminal, be afraid. Be very afraid. Think twice before setting out to prey on an unsuspecting citizenry. Because nothing is coming for you. And nothing has our back. And as long as Superintendent Woodfork is around, nothing will ever stand between you and us.

So here’s to popping that champagne and dropping that confetti. Brighter days are ahead for this city. You’ll see. Just wait.

One thought on “NOPD Crime Plan Troublesome”
  1. And to think we waited this long for a nothing burger. Wow. Thank you Kenneth for helping us understand what is happening

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