by Kenneth Cooper
His hair is disheveled. His black suit is a size too big. A long red tie hangs from his neck and dangles to the area just below his navel. At a glance, you’d think he was licking himself. Such is the aesthetic absurdity. If told that such a feat was anatomically impossible, our president’s ego would probably have none of it. He’d be proclaiming that nobody could pull off the impossible like he could, believe me.
We’d be fortunate if the absurdity only extended to the aesthetic. But we are not that fortunate. Our president, the most powerful man in the world, is a man of questionable intelligence and integrity. Per sources who declined to be identified, he is also a man whose attention span rarely extends beyond sound-byte quantities. His unique mix of aestheticism and intellectuality was on display this past Friday and throughout the weekend.
Friday
After he and his fellow Republicans failed to further break an already broken healthcare system, our president blamed Democrats. Of course it was their fault that none of them voted to repeal a bill that’s a part of their president’s legacy. And of course it’s their fault that Republicans, who had seven years to plan this repeal and replacement, couldn’t come together to do it.
Saturday
It was the Freedom Caucus’ fault, that overly idealistic tea party wing of the Republican House of Representatives. Per our president, when people are dying in the street, blame them for saving Planned Parenthood and Obamacare. Did he forget that he vowed to defund Planned Parenthood into irrelevancy via his budget?
Sunday
This would be the day where our president had one of those presidential moments, a tinge of normalcy, where he spared his party and took responsibility. It was his fault, he would say. He just didn’t get the job done. He’d say he told us repealing Obamacare would be easy, but he was wrong. It wasn’t easy. But he’s learned now, and he’ll take what he’s learned and work with both parties to produce something better. That did not happen. Instead, silent went his twitter.
A summary of what the president said and what some claimed he did and said during negotiations Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
I threaten random congressmen, told some I’d come after them if they didn’t vote for the healthcare bill, told another I’d blame him personally. But can you believe the media is still attacking me with fake news about Russia, and what about that Supreme Court pick, a real winner, right? Healthcare though is such a disaster, and tax reform, that’s what we should really be looking at. Paul Ryan though, man…you should really tune into Fox tonight. Oh, I didn’t mean to support Ryan being forced to step down for failing to get the healthcare votes like the host of the show I asked you to tune into suggested. I just thought she has a good show. I’m going golfing this weekend. You know nobody’s signing Colin Kapernick because they’re scared to get a tweet from Trump? The news, I love reporting the news. When I report wrong stuff, people try to blame me. Don’t blame me I say. Blame the media for publishing it. Obamacare is such a disaster. Do you know that Germany owes us a lot of money? You know I’d rather be dealing with infrastructure, right? Who cares if Jared went skiing? We didn’t get the votes. It’s the media’s fault.
Our president. No integrity. No accountability. Before the election, when he was our soon-to-be president, he said that we would get tired of winning. He said a day would come where we’d be down on our knees begging him, saying please, Mr. Trump, please we just can’t take it anymore, all this winning. And here we are now, down on our knees. He was right. We can’t take it anymore, all this winning. Or is it whining? These days the two can be so easily confused.