by Kenneth Cooper

People are buying toilet paper online. Mayor LaToya Cantrell said we can assemble and drink, just not in large crowds. At a press conference, the president accused yet another black woman of asking a nasty question. The Dow dropped 2,352 points one day last week. It was the biggest single drop since a day in 1987 – that day infamously known as Black Monday. The Crescent City Classic has been cancelled, and the French Quarter Fest postponed. The Essence Fest and the Jazz Fest may reschedule.

Midway through a press conference about the COVID-19, the president veered off topic to tell the world about his uncle, the great super genius, and how from this uncle he inherited a natural aptitude for viruses and science. The president said he could’ve been a top doctor at the National Institute of Health, if he wasn’t stuck being president.

Over 5,000 people have died from the COVID-19 worldwide, at a rate much deadlier than the flu. Nursing homes throughout the city have hung signs on their doors that say “No Visitors Allowed”. Italy and Spain have nationwide quarantines. In Iran, they’re digging mass graves. But our president has a hunch. He said the virus will be here one day, then gone the next. Like a miracle, he said. Poof.

A Chinese diplomat said the U.S. Army may be responsible for bringing the COVID-19 to Wuhan, not a bat. According to Anderson Cooper, the president was seen on Twitter sharing bizarre images of himself.

In the US, the virus has spread to 49 states. The NBA, the NHL, the NCAA, and other major sports have suspended or cancelled their seasons. All across the nation people are panicking, insulating themselves in gloves and surgical masks. States are slowly shutting down. On Friday, the president addressed the nation. “A beautiful day in the Rose Garden,” he began, “a beautiful day.”

Have you seen the COVID-19 tests? The president says they too are beautiful, perfect like the extortion letter he wrote to the Ukrainian president. Yet, far too few have been allowed to gaze upon their mythical beauty. States in need are left to salivate. Some of the potentially infected have resorted to self-quarantining at home. The tests exist as an enigma — unless you live in places like Italy, China, South Korea, Germany, Japan…basically anywhere that’s not the United States of America. Maybe the tests are being quarantined to prevent the results from infecting the president’s poll numbers.

On CNN, Chris Cuomo said it’s times like these that bring us closer together. On MSNBC, Rachel Maddow said to a guest, “I would shake your hand, but I don’t do that type of thing anymore.” Bill Maher refused to touch another person on live television. The Surgeon General demonstrated how to properly bump elbows in lieu of hand to hand contact.

Almost 40% of the people tested in Louisiana have the COVID-19 . Most of them are in Orleans Parish. All schools have closed their doors. Parents with no internet are wondering what will happen to their kids’ grades while classes are being taught online.

This city has begun to band together. The Sewerage & Water Board said it would restore water to 9,000 people. Cox and Entergy won’t be cutting off internet and power for those who can’t pay their bills. Kids dependent on free or reduced lunch programs may have meals delivered to them while their schools are closed. The mayor has laid out a clear and orderly plan. Maybe her uncle was also a super genius.

Zion Williamson offered to pay the salaries of Smoothie King Center employees for 30 days. The same week the president met with someone who tested positive for the Coronavirus, he was also seen smiling and shaking many hands. On Friday, he got defensive when a reporter asked him about being tested. The next day, he reconsidered.

Crises bring time for contemplation. Maybe we should take this time to contemplate a new president, come November.

The CDC sent out a video showing grown adults how to wash their hands. It went: wet your hands, place a drop of soap in your palm, for at least 20 seconds scrub, rub, then rinse. Be careful out there. Don’t eat crawfish with with strangers or those with coughs or runny noses. Mind your germs around the sick and elderly. And if you have toilet tissue or hand sanitizer, please share it with other people