by Amy Morin
Backhanded compliments like, “You have such a beautiful face! If you lost some weight you’d be so pretty,” leave you in a tough position: Do you acknowledge that you’re insulted? Or do you just pretend you’re flattered?
Clearly, some backhanded compliments are mean-spirited, while others are said out of ignorance. Sometimes it’s helpful to consider the person’s intentions before choosing what to say in response.
Here are five helpful ways to respond to a backhanded compliment:
1. Ignore it.
Staying silent doesn’t mean you’re letting yourself be pushed around. In fact, saying nothing at all can be one of the best ways to avoid giving away your power. It sends a message that says, “I don’t value your opinion enough to justify it with a response.” Silence also avoids arguments.
When to use it: It’s a good tactic to use when you know someone is trying to get your attention. If your child says, “Thanks for taking me to the park today. It’s about time you took me to do something fun,” don’t take the bait.
2. Say “thank you.”
There’s no need to justify your choices when someone insults you, especially if your response isn’t likely to help the situation. Instead of getting into a debate about why the comment is hurtful, respond with a simple thank you. This is sometimes the best way to move forward.
When to use it: This approach is especially appropriate when people give a backhanded compliment out of ignorance. When Grandma says, “I’m glad you got a job in real estate. That computer stuff you were doing from home wasn’t a real job,” a simple, “thank you,” could be the best way to respond.
3. Acknowledge the positive portion.
Feedback and criticism can be essential to improving your performance, but sugarcoating an insult with a compliment usually isn’t constructive. Acknowledge the positive portion of a backhanded compliment to show that passive-aggressive communication isn’t effective.
When to use it: When your boss says, “You were so productive today! It’s too bad you didn’t do this last week when I could have used your help even more,” simply respond by saying, “Thank you for noticing my hard work today.”
4. Address the insult head-on.
Backhanded compliments can damage relationships, so sometimes it’s best to address the issue in a direct manner. If you don’t do this, the snarky comments can continue and cause a relationship to deteriorate. If you don’t want a hurtful comment to get in the way of your relationship, speak up.
When to use it: If your friend says, “Those pants look great on you. They hide your belly nicely,” respond by speaking directly: “I’m glad you like these pants, but the comment about my stomach is hurtful.” If you are too stunned to speak when you receive a backhanded compliment, you can address the issue at a later time.
5. Keep your sense of humor.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not take yourself—or someone’s backhanded compliment—too seriously. The person who gives it may not know how to deal with their emotions, or they might be trying to intentionally hurt you. Respond with a little humor and avoid getting snide.
When to use it: A co-worker who says, “Congratulations on that promotion. Perhaps now you won’t be so irritable all of the time,” is probably envious of your success. A good response might be, “Yikes! Sounds like you’ll be happy to see me go.”
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu
Publisher — Black Source Media
Jeff Thomas
Publisher • Opinion Columnist • Licensed General Contractor • Real Estate Appraiser • New Orleans
Jeff Thomas is the publisher of Black Source Media and one of New Orleans’ most direct voices on civic affairs, economic justice, and Louisiana politics. He writes from the intersection of experience and accountability — as a licensed general contractor,a tech company founder and executive with over 30 years experience, and a businessman who has worked across the city’s civic, media, and construction ecosystems for decades.
His Sunday column covers Louisiana legislative politics, insurance discrimination, housing policy, and the forces shaping Black community life in New Orleans and across the state. Thomas writes in the tradition of Black journalists who hold power accountable without apology — building arguments from data, delivering verdicts from evidence, and speaking to Black New Orleans with the directness the moment demands.
He is also the principal of EA Inspection Services, LLC, a government inspection services company. Black Source Media is his platform for the civic conversation New Orleans has needed and too rarely had.
Selected Articles by Jeff Thomas
Black Neighborhoods Pay the Highest Insurance Rates in Louisiana. Here’s What They Don’t Want You to Know.
They Didn’t Yell the N-Word. They Went to Law School, Bided Their Time, and Rewrote the Constitution Instead.
Vappie vs. Morrell: Why Does Justice Look Different in New Orleans?
The State Has the Money. New Orleans East Just Needs Them to Use It.
The Failure of Mitch Landrieu