Master these key relationship skills for a stronger marriage.

by Kurt W Ela Psy.D.

Key points

• Having a good marriage is less mysterious than it might seem.
• Setting realistic expectations and maintaining positivity in several key areas bode well for a marriage.
• Tackling conflict head on is healthier in the long run as opposed to burying it.

As a couples therapist, I work with a broad array of relationships: the couple deeply in love planning their dream wedding but nervous about the future; the newlyweds having their first hint of trouble after the honeymoon wears off; the longstanding couple wondering if it’s finally time to throw in the towel. Ever the optimist, I truly believe that nearly every relationship has a reasonable chance of thriving. It is neither easy nor guaranteed, however. In my experience, there are are a few things to keep in mind if you want your relationship to be resilient in the face of life’s many challenges.

Do the work. Hollywood has not done us any favors with its “love at first sight” and soulmate screenplays. Relationships are difficult, period. Even if it was love at first sight, that only gets you through the initial stages of a relationship. For it to last, couples need to work hard to make each other a priority and spend time together, no matter how busy their lives become.

Create a culture of gratitude. Did your spouse take out the trash for the 10,000th time? Thank them anyway. It does not cost you much. It feels good to be thanked, even for day-to-day, mundane things. If you create an environment in which good deeds (even minor ones) are appreciated, the relationship will have plenty of good feeling.

Gottman’s Magic Ratio. Speaking of gratitude, the world of love owes John Gottman a huge thank you. He and his colleagues studied thousands of couples over decades. One major takeaway is that couples who have a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction are more likely to have a stable and satisfying relationship. His work also warns us to be on guard against criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down), as they bode ill for relationships.

Be realistic. Soulmate or not, no partner can heal us, make us whole, or save us — that is a job for ourselves. An important form of therapy developed by Richard Schwartz called Internal Family Systems (IFS) reminds us of this fact. If we expect our partner to resolve our issues, it is a setup both for failure and for resentment of our partner when they inevitably fall short. Instead, we must take responsibility for our own challenges and work on them. The effort will ultimately be a gift to ourselves and our partner. If help is needed, individual therapy can do wonders in helping us to understand and own our challenges, instead of blaming our partners for fixing them.

Related: How to Have a Fulfilling Marriage

Don’t sweep trouble under the rug. It may seem counterintuitive to some, but arguing is not necessarily a sign of trouble in a relationship. Actually, studies indicate that not arguing might actually be the sign of poor relationship health. Couples who avoid conflict tend to communicate less well; are less happy; and ultimately are less dedicated to their relationship (Clifford et al., 2017). When couples argue, their grievances see the light of day, rather than being buried in resentment, which builds up over time. Following an argument, it is the repair work that is paramount. I encourage both partners to make efforts at repair, helping to ensure that it is a relatively short-lived conflict with a mutual resolution.

Other factors, including date nights, communication, and emotional intimacy are important as well, but as a therapist, I have found that attention to the above topics help make these factors easier to achieve and more of a joy to practice.