Last week was bad for both Donal Trump and New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell. Who Had The Worse Week – Trump Or Cantrell?

Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis issued Donald Trump the ultimatum of ultimatums. “Get ‘chere,” she said, to Fulton County Prison by sundown on Friday. Or else. If he refused, she’d do something unprecedented. She’d issue the first arrest warrant for a U.S. president.

Mayor LaToya Cantrell stood outside the Pontalba in the French Quarter, her bags in hand. The locks changed on the door. Inside, staff were ripping the sheets off the bed and scrubbing the mattress. This sucker is now on the market a notice read, courtesy of City Council President J.P. Morrell. It was Friday. The mayor had just buried her husband on Tuesday. Apparently, nobody thought this was bad timing.

Who Had The Worse Week – Trump Or Cantrell?

Meanwhile, back at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump was sitting on a toilet raging on Truth Social. He’d been indicted 4 times now. People were already calling him the soon-to-be-forever-former-president. And now a black woman bossed him around. God damnit, he thought, this is going to cost me all kinds of cred with white nationalists. He decided enough was enough. He would fight back the best way he knew how. By coming up with a catchy name for D.A. Willis. It had to be a good one, though, one to top Sleepy Joe Biden, Crooked Hillary, and Ron DeSanctimonious. Suddenly, he felt inspired. He opened up a box, and scribbled some names on the back of a classified document.

Mayor Cantrell received a note from U.S. District Judge Susie Morgan. The note said, Not on my watch, Teedy baby. You gotta come to federal court and explain this foolishness. The mayor thought, my eviction? Then she remembered. Oh…Vappie. Jeffery Vappie, her bodyguard and rumored lover, had been cleared of obvious payroll fraud by a bureau of his homies. But judge Morgan wasn’t having it. This type of stuff, she wrote, is why your police department was placed on a consent decree and is still on it to this day. 19 pages later the note ended with an ultimatum. Get chere, to federal court, by next week. Or else. It was Friday. The mayor had just buried her husband on Tuesday. Apparently, nobody thought this was bad timing.

Who Had The Worse Week – Trump Or Cantrell?

When Fani let Donald know she wasn’t the one to play with, the nation gasped. Stunned, pundits pondered and debated. Would he make a run for it? Would he huff and puff and refuse to show up in defiance? Or would he actually submit and let this black woman make him come crawling? Speculation abounded. Wagers were placed on Caesar’s Sports Book and other online betting. All that was missing was the Vegas like odds of who was going to grab whom by the vagina.

Word that circulated on the street: Them people ain’t got no chill. They wouldn’t even give the poor lady a week to mourn her husband. Yep. All behind principle. That apartment wasn’t pressing. That judge was in the wrong too. Nah, she knew the judge was a bear, but she still went right on ahead and poked her. You see the soon-to-be-forever-former-president sure brought his ass down to Fulton County a day early, his vagina firmly intact. Yeah, Fani don’t play. You heard he weighed in at 6’3’’ 215. What? Yes. Who the hell he think he is Lamar Jackson? Who knows. Maybe he declassified 50lbs.  

Meanwhile back at Mar-a-Lago, the soon-to-be-forever-former president leaned over on his toilet and pressed a button. Hey, Rudy, he said, when you come up from the cellar, could you bring another box of documents? I’m having the hardest time coming up with a name.

Mayor Cantrell stood outside the Pontalba. Someone who didn’t recognize her tapped her on the shoulder. You been listening to the radio, the person asked. They rolling the mayor. A host said she was clocking out early to come help her move a sofa. Another one said next week he’ll host a show live from the Pontalba, said he might even have his co-host water the plants in workout clothes, then charge the city for it. It’s insane. The person walked off laughing. It was Friday.

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