Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has signed an extradition warrant for Dr. Margaret Carpenter, a New York-based physician accused of prescribing abortion pills to a minor in Louisiana. This action has sparked a significant interstate legal dispute over abortion laws and state jurisdiction.
The Dirty South Meets the Big Apple
Give it up, New York. We got you surrounded. Send out the abortion doctor with her hands up, and nobody will get hurt.
Jurisdiction? Never Heard of It.
What do you mean we don’t have jurisdiction? We have something better. What we have is a signed warrant from our very own governor Jeff Landry. It states that the aforementioned doctor is in violation of one of Louisiana’s most heinous laws.
Yes, we know governors don’t sign warrants. It’s for dramatic effect. The doctor was actually indicted by a grand jury in Louisiana. So, we’re here to extradite this so-called doctor, so she can face justice in Louisiana.
No, we don’t think this smells of the Fugitive Slave Act.
Pills, Postage, and Parental Guidance
Truth be told, your doctor sold and shipped abortion pills to the mother of one of our residents. That mother gave those pills to her daughter. And that child ended up in the hospital.
Yes, we took it up with the mama. Now we’re here to take it up with the doctor.
State Lines and Legal Loopholes
Well, it may not be illegal to sell abortion pills in your state, but it is in ours.
Impasse? What Impasse?
No, we don’t think that puts us at an impasse.
Technically my ass. Technically, she did not sell the pills in your state. She sold them online to a resident of our state. That makes it a Louisiana purchase.
Yes, we’re aware there’s a pun there. But this is not the time for jokes. Hand the baby killer over.
Tax Rates and Territorial Rights
What’s the tax rate got to do with this? So, you’re saying that if the pills had a New York sales tax rate, it’d be a New York purchase, but if they had a Louisiana rate, it’d be a Louisiana one? There you go again with the technicalities. All that matters is that your doctor willingly sold abortion pills to one of our residents, knowing it was illegal.
Listen, I don’t give a rooter’s tooter about your Shield Law. You can shield people from out-of-state prosecutions all you want in your state. But it doesn’t hold water in Louisiana.
Another Impasse? How Original.
No, we don’t think this puts us at another impasse.
No, maybe you need to brush up on federal law. Federal law doesn’t allow somebody to sell an illegal product across state lines.
Supreme Court Says What Now?
Yes, I’m aware that the Supreme Court didn’t declare the pills an illegal product. But it did declare that their ruling doesn’t trump state laws.
Yeah, yeah, yes we know. That brings us back to another impasse—legal in yours, illegal in ours. Look, just send the doctor out. We promise she’ll get a fair and speedy trial.
Well, if you don’t, we’re about to count to ten.
No, we don’t think Louisiana’s deplorable education system leaves us unequipped to do so.
Political Ambitions? What Political Ambitions?
Now, you leave Governor Landry out of this. This has nothing to do with his inevitable run for president.
Related: The 10 Commandments Are Coming to a School Near You
Yes, we’re aware that this is the second case of his that’ll probably end up right back in the Supreme Court. He’s right on this, and the Ten Commandments in schools.
Who’s Really Grandstanding vs. Championing? You Decide
No, we don’t think it’s grandstanding for donors and national attention. We think it’s championing conservative causes. Maybe your doctor is the one grandstanding. Maybe she’s shipping these shady pills to states where they’re illegal on purpose. Or maybe she’s trying to force the Supreme Court to make a definitive ruling once and for all.
Shady Pills and Medical Mishaps
What do we mean by shady? This is the second time somebody has been rushed to the hospital after taking those New York baby killer pills. Texas isn’t standing for it. And we’re not either. Now enough talk. Send her out, or we’re coming in.
Gun Permits? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Permits.
No, we don’t have a permit to carry these guns. In Louisiana, we don’t need one.
Yes, we’re aware that we’re not in Louisiana.
Guns Here, Pills There: A Lesson in Irony
What do you mean we’re in violation of New York gun laws? These are Louisiana guns.
Pills vs. Pistols: The Great Debate
No, that same point can’t be made about the pills.
You don’t agree? Yes, I know exactly where that leaves us. At another impasse.
Once again Mr. Cooper, awesome article, awesome satire! I often wondered when did the GOP party became the PNC (pick-n-choose!) party?
They’re ok with protecting babies in the womb, but once they’re killed in school shootings, they’re considered collateral damage. You get t-shirts, candles and crickets! Such a shame! I know this country is better than this!
Keep bringing attention to the hypocrisy, sir! I pray that some day it will sink in. Keep up the great work, Mr. Cooper.
Funny and on point. I love this guys writing. He is smart and satirically hilarious. Great stuff