Just Fill Out the Forms, Please
by Kenneth Cooper
Captain’s Log, Stardate 2020: We still don’t know if the president is consulting his witch doctor or not, you know the one who said demons are raping people in their sleep, penetrating their victims naked head (because why would a demon where a condom?), afterwards their leftover semen causing all types of maladies from herpes to hemorrhoids to mere abdominal pain. The president is a strange man, but the president is suppressing the 2020 Census.
Sometimes we just don’t understand the president or what he’s doing. Like one time I saw him eating fried chicken with a knife and fork. I was like, wow is he going to cut through the bone? Maybe that’s something presidents do. Or maybe the chicken was a prop and he had never had it fried in his life. I wonder how he eats turkey necks or ribs.
Strange That President Wants to Suppress Census?
Speaking of props, one time the president had a crowd of people tear gassed so he could walk across the street and take a picture in front of a church with a Bible that wasn’t even his. We know the Bible wasn’t his because when a reporter asked him, “Hey is that Bible yours?” the president said, “It’s a Bible.” A Bible. Interesting phrase. Like I said, the president is a strange man.
What we do know, though, is that the president is trying to pull off some type of witch doctorery to suppress the 2020 Census. The Census is what we use to count people. The Census counts how many people are here or there, and who lives where. Some people don’t trust the Census. They think it’s a form of government espionage (an old wives’ tale, or as the president’s witch doctor would say, some demon sh*t).
In real life, the Census is what the federal government uses to determine how much money it gives to the states, how many House seats are appropriated. States use census data for more shady stuff like which districts are gerrymandered. Presently, the president appears to not be in favor of the Census. He has dispatched a bureau of his minions with not-so-explicit-instructions to make sure some people go uncounted. So the Census takers have been told to cease counting a month prematurely, per the president. Why is the president suppressing the 2020 Census?
Why is President Trump Suppressing the 2020 Census?
The president is a part of what we call a dwindling demographic, also known as a white person. Lately, white people have not been propagating as much as non-white people. I guess privilege only goes so far. Considering this and with money, House seats, and redistricting on the line, it’s in the best interest of the least growing demographic to make sure the more proliferating group is undercounted. Especially since that demographic has tended to be from a different political party.
Side note: Political parties are just gangs without the murders and drugs. Like gangs they have turf to defend (House seats and districts) and a source of money (donations from affiliated folks) they’re depended upon. As their influence goes, so does their turf and money. Side note ended.
Another complication is whether to even count undocumented people. Should states benefit from their presence? Maybe the president will tweet about a 3/5 compromise.
Most importantly, if you haven’t done so already, fill out your Census and put in the mail. Or if a Census taker comes to your door, don’t run and hide under the bed spread. Open the door and give the person the information they seek. Your congressional representation, streetlights, and sewerage may depend on it. Remember the President is suppressing the 2020 Census.
Captain’s Log, Stardate later on in 2020: The president has skin so thin that if you pinched him, he’d bleed. He appears to be unnerved by the slightest slight. All day he tweets seeking adoration, and goes into emotional convulsions when he’s denied. Pray for him. His demographic is going through menopause. He’s but a fraction of a whole. Maybe his witch doctor can whip up a potion for him. I hear Hydroxychloroquine is trending.