Stop treating yourself. Start respecting yourself.

by Jill Schulman USMC, MAPP

Key points

• Comfort isn’t self-care; it soothes now but often leaves you drained, stuck, and further behind.
• Avoiding challenges feels easy in the moment but erodes confidence, motivation, and self-respect over time.
• Real self-care means choosing the hard thing over comfort and aligning your actions with your values.
• Following through builds progress and self-belief—true self-care that grows confidence and self-love.

Comfort feels good now, but true self-care is what makes you proud later.

You hit snooze again. You avoid the hard task, calling it “self-care.” Maybe you DoorDash your favorite comfort food or binge-watch the newest series on Netflix. For a moment, it feels good. But later? You’re behind, still stressed, and a little disappointed in yourself.

We’ve all been there. And here’s the problem: what often passes for self-care doesn’t actually care for the self. It soothes in the moment but leaves you drained tomorrow—further from your goals and less confident in yourself.

Self-care has a branding problem. We’ve been sold bubble baths, champagne toasts, and “treat yourself” slogans. It looks Instagram-worthy, but it misses the point. Real self-care isn’t about escape. It’s about discipline, alignment, and doing the things your future self will thank you for.

Lacing up for the hard thing: real self-care starts with action that leads to self-love.

Source: PeopleImages/Shutterstock

The Lie We’ve Been Sold About Self-Care

The mainstream version of self-care sounds nice: skip the workout, indulge in dessert, scroll your phone for an hour. After all, “You deserve it.” But comfort isn’t the same thing as care. Psychologist Todd Kashdan has a name for this—avoidance. It brings short-term relief but erodes confidence and self-respect over time.

Every time we break a promise to ourselves, our self-belief shrinks. Real self-care is less about soothing your current self and more about honoring your future self. You can choose ease now or pride later—but not both.

What Real Self-Care Looks Like

Real self-care means doing the things that build you up, even when they’re hard in the moment. It’s keeping promises to yourself. It’s asking, “What will my future self want me to do right now?”

Research backs this up. Psychologist Hal Hershfield has shown that when we feel connected to our future selves, we make smarter choices today. Edward Deci and Richard Ryan found that we thrive when our goals align with our deeper values. And Albert Bandura proved that confidence doesn’t come from avoiding challenges—it comes from mastering them.

In practice, self-care might mean:

• Getting up when the alarm goes off instead of hitting snooze.
• Tackling the most meaningful task first (especially when it is hard).
• Lacing up your sneakers even when your bed feels irresistible.
• Choosing food that fuels energy instead of short-term comfort.
• Guarding your sleep, because rest is the foundation of peak performance.
• Saying no to commitments that overwhelm or drain you.

This kind of self-care builds not just discipline, but self-respect. And over time, that grows into self-love.

Rest With Intention, Not Avoidance

Of course, self-care isn’t all grit. Just as muscles need recovery, your brain and body need rest to come back stronger. The key is being intentional: taking a break because it restores you, not because you’re dodging something difficult.

Think of it like training: effort, growth, recovery. Too much comfort weakens you. Too little rest burns you out. Burnout researcher Christina Maslach found that chronic overwork without recovery leads to exhaustion, cynicism, and reduced effectiveness—the opposite of resilience. Real self-care often shows up as boundaries. Saying “enough” isn’t selfish—it’s how you protect your energy, nurture your relationships, and return to work recharged instead of depleted.

Rest doesn’t have to mean collapsing on the couch. It might look like logging off at 6 p.m. to eat dinner with your kids, making time for a yoga class that leaves you centered, or setting aside a tech-free Sunday. These aren’t indulgences. They’re investments in your ability to show up tomorrow at your best.

That’s the paradox: real self-care takes courage. Sometimes it means doing the hard thing. Other times, it means having the wisdom to pause.

A Daily Self-Care Question

Here’s a simple practice: before making a choice, ask yourself—

• At the end of today, what will I be proud I did?
• At the end of this week, what will I wish I had done?

This small shift moves you from short-term comfort to long-term well-being. It connects today’s choices to the person you want to become tomorrow.

Redefining Self-Care

Self-care isn’t about bubble baths or binge-watching. Self-indulgence may feel good for a few minutes, but it doesn’t move you forward.

True self-care is the discipline to do the things that matter most: working on goals that align with your values, protecting your energy, and making choices your future self will thank you for. Sometimes that means rest. More often, it means effort—doing the thing you don’t feel like doing.

Every time you follow through on the promises you make to yourself, you make progress on your meaningful goals. Just as important, you strengthen your belief in yourself. That’s how self-care builds confidence, and confidence builds self-love. Each small act of discipline is really an act of self-belief.

Do the hard thing today so tomorrow you can look in the mirror with pride.