Keeping the Peace

Co-parenting with someone you’d rather not see is one of life’s more challenging experiences. Whether your separation was amicable or contentious, the reality is that your children need both of their parents to show up-not just physically, but emotionally regulated and committed to their wellbeing. That means learning to navigate those tense moments at pickup, drop-off, school events, and the countless other times your paths will cross.

Here’s how to keep your cool and protect your peace while raising healthy, happy children.

Remember Who You’re Really Doing This For

When your ex says something that makes your blood pressure spike, take a breath and look at your child. That little person is watching how you handle conflict, how you speak about (and to) their other parent, and how you manage your emotions under pressure. Children of divorce often feel caught in the middle, and they’re remarkably perceptive about tension between their parents-even when adults think they’re hiding it well.

Every interaction with your ex is an opportunity to model emotional maturity, conflict resolution, and grace under pressure for your children. That doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means being strategic about which battles to fight and how to fight them.

Keep Communication Businesslike

One of the most effective strategies for reducing conflict is treating your co-parenting relationship like a business partnership. You and your ex have one shared project: raising your children well. That’s it. You don’t need to be friends. You don’t need to hash out old grievances. You just need to coordinate logistics and make decisions that benefit your kids.

When communicating, stick to the facts. “Soccer practice moved to Thursday at 4 PM” is better than “I know you never check the schedule, but soccer changed again.” Skip the commentary, the passive-aggressive remarks, and the opportunities to point out their shortcomings. Say what needs to be said and nothing more. Many co-parents find that using text or email helps them stay more measured than phone calls or face-to-face conversations, where emotions can escalate quickly.

Master the Art of the Non-Response

Not every text, comment, or criticism requires a response. This is especially true when your ex is baiting you into an argument or trying to relitigate past conflicts. If a message is purely designed to provoke you, the most powerful response is often silence-or a brief, neutral acknowledgment like “Got it” or “I’ll handle that” if a response is necessary.

Ask yourself before responding: Does this require my input? Will engaging make the situation better or worse? Is this actually about the children, or is this about something else? If the answer to that last question is “something else,” you have full permission to let it go.

Create Physical and Emotional Boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they’re especially important when you’re co-parenting with someone who still triggers strong emotions in you. This might mean keeping pickups and drop-offs brief and at neutral locations. You might communicate primarily through a co-parenting app that keeps everything documented. You can decline to discuss topics that aren’t directly related to your children. It’s okay to have a support person present during difficult conversations if needed.

Boundaries aren’t about punishing your ex-they’re about protecting your peace so you can be the best parent possible. You don’t have to explain or justify your boundaries. You just have to maintain them consistently.

Manage Your Triggers

We all have them-those specific words, tones, or behaviors that send us from zero to furious in seconds. Part of successfully co-parenting is knowing your triggers and having a plan for when they’re activated. Before a potentially tense interaction, remind yourself of your triggers and commit to not reacting in the moment. During the interaction, if you feel yourself getting activated, use grounding techniques: take slow breaths, feel your feet on the floor, or focus on a neutral object. If necessary, excuse yourself by saying something like “I need a moment” or “Let’s discuss this later when we’ve both had time to think.” After the interaction, process your emotions somewhere safe-with a friend, therapist, or in your journal. Don’t let them fester.

Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle

This one is critical. Your children should never be messengers between you and your ex, spies reporting on what happens at the other house, confidants for your frustrations about their other parent, or made to feel they have to choose sides or manage your feelings.

Children are not equipped to handle adult relationship dynamics, and putting them in these positions causes real psychological harm. Whatever you need to say to your ex, say it directly-or not at all.

Pick Your Battles Wisely

Not everything is worth fighting about. Different bedtimes at different houses, different food rules, different TV policies-these things, while annoying, rarely cause lasting harm to children. Save your energy and your conflict capital for the issues that truly matter: safety concerns, major educational decisions, health care, and other big-picture items.

When you do need to address a serious issue, approach it calmly and with documentation if relevant. Focus on the impact on your children rather than making it about your ex’s character or past behavior.

Take Care of Yourself

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Co-parenting with a difficult ex is emotionally demanding, and you need to actively replenish your reserves. This might look like maintaining a strong support network of friends and family, working with a therapist who understands co-parenting dynamics, engaging in regular physical activity to manage stress, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or pursuing hobbies and interests that bring you joy outside of parenting.

When you’re depleted, every interaction feels harder, and you’re more likely to react rather than respond. Prioritizing your wellbeing isn’t selfish-it’s necessary.

Remember: This Won’t Last Forever

The intensity of co-parenting eventually lessens. As children get older, they need less hands-on coordination between parents. Pickups and drop-offs become less frequent. Eventually, your children will be adults, and your need to interact with your ex will be limited to occasional family events.

The way you handle these years will shape your children’s understanding of relationships, conflict, and resilience. It will also shape the kind of relationship you’ll eventually have with your adult children. Play the long game. The short-term satisfaction of telling your ex exactly what you think of them will never outweigh the long-term benefit of showing your children what grace under pressure looks like.

A Final Word

You didn’t choose to be in this situation, but you do get to choose how you move through it. Every difficult interaction handled with maturity is a small victory. Every time you take the high road-even when it’s hard-you’re building something meaningful for your children and for yourself.

Your ex may never change. But you can change how much power their behavior has over your peace of mind. And that, ultimately, is what this is all about: protecting your peace while raising children who know they are loved by both of their parents.

You’ve got this.