Dear Unhoused, Our Bad

We owe you an apology. We know we were acting bad when Taylor Swift came around. In retrospect, some of our actions toward you could be deemed harsh. And when carried out, they were rather rash.

For that, all we can say is: our bad.

But Good News! SB196 Is Here to Help

To make it up to you, we’ve devised a plan! It’s called SB196. If passed, this bill will ensure that you’re never removed from the public eye rashly again.

Nope — in the future, it’ll be done much more deliberately. Great, right?

Even better, legislators are considering the bill today.

How It Works: Arrest, Program, Repeat

Let’s say you’re arrested — again, something we think happens often. Instead of being imprisoned, you’ll be offered the chance to become a “participant” (our word) in a homelessness program.

If you accept, we’ll enroll you, clean you up, and have you back on the street in no time.

Well… actually, it’ll be a year. But trust us, time will fly.

Disclaimer: There Will Be Costs

Depending on your financial situation, you’ll be required to pay for all or part of the program. If you can’t, you’ll need to “work for the benefit of the community” in lieu of payment.

You’ll also waive your right to a trial, be placed on probation, and if we decide you’re still “unfit” for society, you could be sent to prison.

But enough of that. Let’s get back to the exciting details!

New Homelessness Courts – Just for You

To process you efficiently, our bill will establish homelessness courts statewide — especially in Orleans Parish. These special courts will handle your case faster than the regular system.

All you have to do is get arrested for a non-violent crime. Convenient, right?

Here’s the Kicker: Being Homeless Is Now a Crime

The big twist? We’ve created a brand-new criminal offense: being homeless.

Officially, it’s called “unauthorized camping on public property.” So just exist — stay right where you are — and the police will come to you.

It’s never been easier to participate in civic engagement.

Related: Black Home Ownership Under Attack in NOLA

Some Questions (That We’re Trying Not to Answer)

Some concerns have been raised, so we’ll go through them quickly:

• Funding? The bill doesn’t include any.
  ➤ Question: Will the unhoused need to attend budget hearings now? Will they get lunch?
• Program criteria? Each district can make up their own.
  ➤ Question: Is this a charter school for the unhoused?
• Racial disparities? The bill will likely hit Black communities hardest.
  ➤ Question: Is picking up trash the new cotton? Is there a quota?
• Tents as evidence? The law defines tents very loosely.
  ➤ Question: Can you be arrested for napping on concrete or in a tree?
• Reentry plan? After a year, there’s no plan.
  ➤ Question: So… back to the street?

Our Official Response

To some of these questions, we’ll just say: We are not amused.

To others, we’ll say that uncertainty breeds opportunity. Improvisational wonder, if you will.

But for now, we’re just focused on getting this bill passed.

And Just to Be Clear

Our use of the word “participant” has absolutely nothing to do with the sheriff calling inmates “residents.” There’s no dark wordplay going on here.

Absolutely none.