A lack of conflict can be a red flag in a relationship.

by John Kim LMFT

Key points

• “Never fighting” in a relationship may signal dishonesty or repression of feelings.
• Conflict reveals key insights about partners and their stress responses.
• Understanding the roots of conflict can lead to increased empathy and healthier communication.

There are a lot of people who say, “Our relationship’s perfect. We never fight.”

And to me, that’s a red flag.

It usually means you’re not being honest, or you’re hiding something. At least one person is holding things in. Because if your personalities mesh really well, and there’s not a lot to fight about, you’re still human. There are going to be disagreements.

When people tell me they never fight, it’s like when people come to therapy and say they had the perfect childhood. My immediate thought is: “Oh, really? Tell me more.”

Because perfect usually means someone learned to hide.

Conflict Is Information

Here’s what most people don’t understand: It’s not about how many times we fight. It’s about how we fight.

If you don’t fight in a fair way, the relationship will eventually collapse. The wings fall off. The legs buckle. It’s just a matter of time.

Fighting is actually valuable because it gives you information about each other. You learn how someone handles stress. You discover triggers. And you see what matters.

When I get into a fight, I dissociate. I’m already thinking about when Vanessa said, “I don’t like what happened yesterday.” I’m already swiping for another suitor in my head. That’s what happens for me.

And Vanessa? She defaults to “I’m fighting. This is reminding me of the past. This means I’m in trouble. I’m not good enough for you. Okay, John, I’m not good enough for you? Okay, so just leave then.”

Our conversations would last five minutes before she’d be packing her bags.

Opening the Hood

But once I knew that about her—once I understood what was happening under the hood—everything changed.

It’s like opening the engine and seeing the spark plugs. Now she can take ownership and work on that piece. That’s her responsibility.

But it also tells me: Oh, that’s what happens to you. Now I can be empathetic.

So when I say, “Hey, yesterday, you know, I had these feelings,” and she says, “Well, I’m packing my bags,” I don’t judge her for packing her bags. I think, “Of course she’s going to say that.”

And I don’t say it out loud, but I understand that’s her pattern.

If I start saying, “Oh, well, you’re packing your bags? I’m packing mine,” now we’re up here, and we’re just butting heads. But if I go to the source—“You must be feeling unsafe right now. What’s happening with you?”—the conversation becomes completely different.

Addressing the Right Person

This is why you have to know your partner’s story.

I need to address the 15-year-old who is scared and thinks she’s in trouble. Or the 6-year-old. If I address that Vanessa, the conversation is completely different than if I address the 38-year-old.

So instead of saying, “Hey, we need to talk. I’m kind of upset. That thing you did really pissed me off,” which is how most people go into fights, I say, “Hey, listen. You’re amazing. There’s nothing wrong with you. But here’s something I see that we should work on.”

That’s going to create a very different conversation. Because now people are responding instead of reacting.

What Avoiding Conflict Does to You

When you avoid conflict, you’re not protecting the relationship. You’re protecting yourself from discomfort.

And I get it. Conflict triggers your nervous system to go into fight-or-flight. Your body is telling you: I’m not safe. You’re not safe to me because you’re making me feel like I’m in fight-or-flight mode for too long.

But here’s what happens when you consistently avoid it: You start holding in resentment. Small annoyances become big betrayals because they never got addressed when they were small.

You lose trust because your partner doesn’t actually know you. They know the edited version. The performance.

You stop feeling safe because you’re constantly monitoring yourself: What can I say? What will set them off? What will make them leave?

And eventually, you look at your partner and realize: I don’t even know if they actually like me. They only know the version I’ve been showing them.

How to Fight Without Fighting

The goal isn’t to never have conflict. The goal is to learn how to fight without assassinating each other’s character.

It means staying in the room even when it’s uncomfortable. Not threatening to leave every time things get hard. Not packing your bags or mentally swiping to the next person as a way to soothe yourself.

Sometimes you need to take a break. Sometimes your nervous system is so dysregulated that you need to say, “I need 20 minutes,” and come back when you’re not in full fight-or-flight.

Related: How the Need to Be Right Destroys Relationships

But you come back.

Source: Nathan Dumlao / Unsplash

Over time, I learned that when Vanessa says, “Let’s talk about this after dinner. I’ll come back,” I’m okay with it now. Because I know she’ll come back. She said that, and then she did come back. So now if we get into a fight, and she gets heated and says that, I trust it.

The Real Question

So if you’re in a relationship where you never fight, ask yourself: Are we actually connected, or are we just avoiding each other?

Are you being honest about what you need, or are you editing yourself to keep things smooth?

Because the relationship where you can say hard things and still feel loved? That’s the one worth staying in.

The one where you have to pretend? That’s the one that will slowly kill you.