In Louisiana If You Are A Man Considering Sleeping With Another Man Or A Woman Considering Sleeping With Another Woman, You Might As Well Be Sleeping With An Animal

by Kenneth Cooper

In Louisiana it is still illegal to put your penis in someone’s mouth or anus. If you want to put your penis in someone’s mouth or anus, you should consider doing it in a state other than Louisiana. In Louisiana, according to an unconstitutional statute, reports of a penis entering either of these unauthorized  orifices will be deemed an act of unnatural copulation and could result in your arrest.  According to the statute, you could be imprisoned up to five years in prison or receive a $2000 fine. You’d also have to register as a sex offender, though it’s unclear who the offended party would be.

In Louisiana it is also illegal for you to insert your penis into the family pet or any other animal or to have it insert its’ penis into any of your orifices. Last week, it was rumored that 10 state senators voted against further criminalizing this act, but what they really voted against was weakening the unconstitutional statute that equates homosexuality and bestiality. They did so at the behest of the Louisiana Family Forum, a homophobic conservative group bent on regulating who or what goes down in the bedroom.

Presently, bestiality and what some legislators consider homosexual sex are listed as offenses under the same statute, and even though the Supreme Court deemed the homosexual portion unconstitutional over a decade ago, legislators have refused to vote it off the books.

In the meantime, there have been raids, police showing up at parks to arrest people, not for having sex in public, but for having the wrong kind of sex in public. After these people were brought to jail, a Baton Rouge sheriff had to remind his officers that the charges were unconstitutional. So if you are ever caught unnaturally copulating in public, you can bring up these examples and the Supreme Court ruling as reasons why the officer shouldn’t arrest you or your partner.

But why leave your fate to the officer’s discretion? Instead, consider these following tips to help you avoid being in offense of the statute.

1) Drive to Arkansas. Presently, Arkansas allows consenting adults to freely explore each other’s bodies as they see fit. This is especially advantageous if you live near Shreveport, where the border is a short drive.

2) You and a person or persons can agree not to tell anybody, especially the police. Fair warning – you can’t stipulate this in a contract but  you can make it official via a handshake or pinky swear. In both cases, ensure that all fingers and toes are visible in case of crossing, and that neither of you are blinking, as that could be misconstrued as a wink.

No form of Louisiana sexual regulation would be complete without also regulating a woman’s body. So of course everything mentioned above also applies to vaginas. In Louisiana, according to the same unconstitutional statute, it is illegal to put your vagina in someone’s mouth or your mouth on someone’s vagina. This type of behavior is also considered an act of unnatural copulation, according to the Louisiana Family Forum, and could result in the same jail time, fines, and designations as similar acts performed with a penis.

Legislators last attempted to rid the state of this absurdity two years ago. It was shot down in the House before ever reaching the Senate. This year, SB 236 is an attempt to once again exorcize bestiality and homosexuality. Under the bill, bestiality would be designated under a separate statute, leaving the unconstitutional ban on so-called gay sex to stand alone as another state blemish. The bill is waiting to be heard in the House.

So here’s your chance. Call your State Rep. Flood their inbox with emails. Let them know that you’d like to keep any future legislating of your private parts in the bedroom, and out of the mouths of state congressmen.0